Undeserving of Such Love

For The Heartbreak - Official Lyric Video - Downhere

2012-01-29T16:57:00.000-08:00

This song is based on James 1:2-4 and was written by Jason Germain and Marc Martel.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

"How can a day be a day without a night?

How can a win be a win without a fight?

I will not be shaken by the troubles up ahead

I'd rather trust Your goodness instead

Thank You for the heartbreak

Thank You for the pain

Than You for the sadness

On the gloomy days of rain

Thank You for the hard times

Have a reason and rhyme

Thank you that the healing

makes the the beauty shine

Thank You for the heartbreak

How can a love be a love without a cost?

How can a life be a life without the loss?

No, I won't trust my senses over anything You say

It's harder, but it's better this way

When there's no sign of You

When I'm lost, hurt, and used

You are there hurting, too

Even in my worst times

You're my reason and rhyme

Thank You that the healing

makes the beauty

It makes the beauty shine

Thank You for the heartbreak."

(Germain and Martel Publishing, Centricity Music Publishing 2011)

"Thank you for the heartbreak, Thank You for the pain." I don't know about you but I find it hard to be thankful for heartbreak and pain. The question is, "How can I find pure joy when facing trials?" In all truth I guess I have not faced trials, pain and heartache in the right way. I didn't see that on the other side of the trial, the pain and the heartache; that I could be strong, that I could have perseverance through it all and that it would help me to be mature and feel complete and confident. I believe that these verses are a promise to me directly from God's Word.

Lord Jesus, forgive me for running when trials and painful things come my way. I ask you to help me look at them differently. Help me see that in the process of facing them I can have joy knowing that You are with me at all times, even when I may feel alone. I need Your wisdom each step of the way. Thank you for Your unfailing love for me.

"What benefit...?"

2012-01-19T21:38:00.000-08:00

"Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. What benefit did you reap at that time from things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit is eternal life." Romans 6:19b,21-22.

In the week between Christmas and New Years just passed I went through a few days when I felt the horribleness of where sin had taken me. I knew it was something I had to come face to face with. God let me see the depths to where I had gone when it came to homosexuality and SSA. At the time it seemed the pain of what I saw would become unbearable.

The line of a song that I had prayed a couple years ago, "whatever it takes for my will to break, that's what I'm willing to do!", was being answered. I guess I didn't think it would feel so bad. I was wrong. I needed to see my need of letting God cleanse and purify my heart and life, His way.

New Years came and went and there were still ups and downs but all through those days I could feel God's love. It would bring tears at times and often when I was alone a reassurance that He was working out His will in my life. Then one early morning I woke up and visualized a whirlpool. All the dirtiness and sin that had been in my life were being swept away downward into that whirlpool.

Today I got another vision. This one came in the form of a feeling. It was a feeling of being ashamed. I felt ashamed that I had ever taken part in sexual sin with another guy. I felt ashamed that I had written so often in this very blog about my ongoing struggle with it. I felt ashamed that it had taken so long for me to let God really deal with it in my life. I had held on to it, and I am ashamed that I did. No one can tell me there is any 'pride' in it, I know from experience that there is NOT.

I can repeat the words above, "What benefit did you reap at that time from things you are now ashamed of?"

I am not so sure I will keep this blog going. Not that I want to forget where I have been but I feel so deeply that I need to celebrate what the Lord is doing and wants to do in my life, from this moment on.

Personal Pain - "I can see it in your eyes."

2012-01-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

A friend once told me that he could see the pain in my eyes. I didn't connect with what he said at the time. I have considered his statement a few times since but it never seemed a priority to explore. Lately though it took on a whole new meaning. It was no longer something to ignore. I saw how I had let personal pain fester in my whole being until it threatened to cause an emotional breakdown.

I recall looking at a Facebook friend's pictures a while back and as I looked at one photo I almost broke into tears. I could see the pain in his eyes and it reminded me of what my friend told me so long ago about myself.

This past week I Googled the words, "Personal Pain", and this quote by Saint Bartholomew came up. It was exactly what I needed to hear that day and it made so much sense.

"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain."

I did that, I spent so much of my life running from feeling the pain when in reality I have already borne that pain. The pain was heavy for sure and I still wonder how some of it didn't destroy me; thinking about it makes me shudder. I did survive and it wasn't just my doing or a result of my survival skills. God was there I know and He has always been there. Now I have to stop and recognize who and what I am beyond the pain. That is made much easier when I know I am not alone and I that I can depend on the Lord to be my wisdom and strength.

Hold My Heart - Tenth Avenue North

2012-01-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

"Would You come close and hold my heart.."

This is kinda the way I felt so often last year and it is expressed in the following words from this song - "One voice in a sea of pain!" I know God was holding my heart though at times I felt so all alone. This reminds me of a time a few years ago when I was to go out alone for a walk and as I did that along the river I stopped and looked up. As I did so and tried to utter the words, "God, my Father, I love you!", I had to stop, turn around and almost ran back to my apartment. I couldn't get the words out. I can say those words now and I realize that means I trust Him more. Though I may feel alone He has not moved away from me.

"Hold my heart, O God, I place it in your hands. I trust You in this year 2012.

Bless and encourage my friends and anyone else who drops by to read this post."

My "Somebody To Love" audition

2011-12-31T17:28:00.000-08:00

In this video Marc Martel sings "Somebody To Love". He has an incredible voice and I have so enjoyed listening to him so much. He has other videos on YouTube as well and besides his solo work he is part of a group called DOWNHERE. He is a Christian guy and a Canadian so I understand! Hope you enjoy his music as much as I have.

December photo contest: pick of the day - Your Community

2011-12-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

December photo contest: pick of the day - Your Community

There is just something so beautiful, spectacular and amazing about the Northern Lights; or Aurora Borealis. Our God created a world full of things such as this to enjoy.

Why It's OK To Be Depressed At Christmastime

2011-12-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

I had a phone call from a dear friend last night and he expressed that he was going through a depression and asked that I pray for him. This is a time of the year when those of us who are single or just feel alone and disconnected feel at loose ends emotionally. So many things remind us that others have something we don't and that often hits deep in the stomach.

This morning in church I saw all the children up on the platform singing and the parents waving to them in recognition. The mom's and dad's were taking pictures and rejoicing in their kids. Everyone was having such a great time. It reminded me of family, a family I was missing out on. Just as my friend mentioned when he asked for pray, Christmas brings depressing times or at least reminders that we don't have "what they have!"

I found what Mike shares in his video to be very real and honest. I don't have to repeat what he says, I just found that it was something I needed to hear. Jesus knows my pain, He knows how I feel.

Chris Rene "Where Do We Go From Here" Final 5 X Factor USA Dec 07, 2011

2011-12-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

"Where do we go from here...God only knows!"

Just had to share this beautiful song Chris Rene wrote, cheerin' for him all the way.

Whats goin on..

2011-12-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

When I watched this last night I was blown away by Jonah's bravery and courage in posting this video. I am so PROUD of him for telling his story in such a real and honest way. I had tears because I was touched by what he shared. I was touched because I experienced stuff like that back in school and even ran into it in the work world later. I pray that Jonah will thrive in his life and make a difference that will influence many others along the way. He is my HERO!

Join me in lifting up Jonah to the Lord that his life may be flooded with God's amazing love for him.

Struggling.......

2011-12-03T18:24:00.001-08:00

"Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, 'Pray that you will not fall into temptation.' He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.' An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

"When he rose from prayer and went back to his disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. 'Why are you sleeping?' he asked them. 'Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
Luke 22:39-46

This last week has been the hardest week I have ever been through, perhaps in my entire life. I have mentioned before that I have struggled deeply with same-sex-attraction. Every day my mind was filled with sexual thoughts, desires and temptations to act out. It went even as far as me taking time to search out someone to act out with. The guy I contacted was eager to meet but it ended up that he couldn't until tomorrow. All through this I had that shaky feeling inside that I should not go through with any meeting. I know it was the Lord, via the Holy Spirit, who was giving me this apprehension, that signal, that all this was not right and that I had to make a decision.

I found out and had to admit that I had often left the door open in case I met the 'right' person. I felt a heavy and almost ever-present need to be touched, to be validated by another man, to feel I meant something to him. When those and other desires came into my mind and initiated bodily responses I found it hard to resist. At those times all logic seem to go out the window and I would be making plans to act out. It didn't take long until I saw the folly of the things I did to make myself feel better. Then I would ask God forgiveness and as I see it now, almost a half-hearted determination to not let it happen again. I had left the door open and everything came back sooner or later. I confess that this was a pattern in my life. Today there came a point when I saw that I had to break off any connection I had with the guy I talked about in the last paragraph. I did so and felt good for a few minutes.

What had I done? I had made a decision, now I knew God was in that decision and I had to stick with that decision no matter what. That was easy to say at the moment but God knew better. I felt in that next hour or so like my mind was gonna explode, like every pressure that could ever come against me had added more anxiety than I could handle. I prayed and prayed and wondered, "will this be just like the other times and sooner or later all the old stuff will come back?!"

Last Saturday I had a session (#2) with a Christian Psychologist. After talking to him I realized that the Lord had led me in the decision to do so. We went through pre-natal issues, childhood issues, issues with my parents, issues that affected me concerning my ancestor's, anger that I felt toward myself and many other things. As he talked he also stopped and prayed concerning what we had just talked about and then waited for prompting from the Lord as how to proceed (gift of discernment). He ended the session by saying I should wait for three weeks before coming back and to be aware of what God was doing in those weeks so we could talk about it.

Thinking about how I felt today and the enormous struggle I went through to get to this very moment, I am very aware that this has been a God orchestrated change he wanted to do in my life.

I got a little glimpse of what it must have been for Jesus when he knelt there on the Mount of Olives. His "sweat was like drops of blood..." He went through so much anguish that an angel came to strengthen him. Jesus Christ went through all this, all the way to the Cross, shedding his blood and dying for my sin. Jesus Christ was serious when he did all this and it was all done, in love, for me.

Only God can take my prayer, my life, and heal me from the inside out. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus Christ, that His shed blood can cleanse me and make me whole. His power is able to do abundantly about what I would ever ask or think.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (Cover)

2011-11-12T14:14:00.000-08:00

This beautiful song is done by a man who lost his son. I can hear the pain in his voice and yet there is that tone of love that goes through the whole song. He is remembering his son and cherishing each moment he got to spend with him.

Today I lift up Dad's who love their children, who are proud of them and tell them so, who spend quality time with them, going fishing, camping, playing games, tussling around, sharing their hobbies and skills, and many more things and experiences that build up a boy and onward to manhood. There is a legacy that a father can leave which will last for generations. I'm cheering for those whose children will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they had the "greatest dad ever!"

"Forgive my hidden faults.....

2011-11-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

"Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins, may they not rule over me." Psalm 19:12b, 13a

"Therefore come out from them and be separate says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." 2 Corinthians 6:17,18

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us (me) from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37,38

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I feel the necessity that I must seek forgiveness for the secrets/hidden faults, those willful sins, that I find so easily creep back into my life. It is so easy to let things get out of hand, letting the daily stresses erode my desire to be strong and to run from the desire to appease the feelings inside. God has promised that if I put them in His hands, ask forgiveness and cleansing, that He will give me the strength to be a conqueror. I am running toward His promises, His love, knowing that no matter what assaults me I am secure in Him.

MEMORIES - Debunking the "Good Old Days!"

2011-10-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

MEMORIES

“Mr. Dallas,” the card read, “how long have you been sexually sober? And does it ever get easier?”

A pointed but fair question. I was teaching a conference in Orlando this weekend, and during the Q and A session, one of the attendees sent up the card wanting to know about my consistency over the years. Feeling a bit like I’d just been asked if it was boxers or briefs, I replied that it had been 27 years since I’d viewed pornography or engaged in any kind of sexual contact apart from marriage. That brought some applause, but my next remark didn’t:

“Let’s remember, though, that sexual purity isn’t just about behavior. It’s about the inner man as well, which Jesus made clear. And in that area – my thought life – I struggle. It gets better every year, but I can’t with any integrity say the battle’s over.”

Memories about past sexual behavior and images come popping into my head at the most inopportune times. (Though I guess there’s no good time for a lustful thought any more than there’s a good time for a flat tire.) Sure, I repented back in ’84, but what the heart rejects, the mind has nonetheless recorded, and there’s no delete button for that. Those irritating, unsolicited pop-ups keep intruding, like unwanted ads charging into your screen when you’re trying to work on something else.

Your past, if it’s included sexual sin, includes a whole repertoire of sexual fantasies and experiences. Though you’ve put those experiences behind you, you haven’t, nor will you ever, banish them from your memory. They stay in your mind like an old movie, ready to be replayed and reviewed time and again. In a sense they’re like a handy piece of pornography you can always pull out and browse through. They’re not just passive, either. They won’t wait for you to refer to them. They’ll intrude into your thoughts like unwelcome burglars, robbing you of a sound mind and clear thinking.

They also try to entice you to a concrete way of dealing with loneliness, boredom, anger, or any number of negative feelings, by inviting you to return to the old faithful method for getting temporary gratification, and you’re especially susceptible to that invitation when you’re not at your best. (Another good reason to be watchful.)

This is especially true if you’ve recently turned from sexually sinful activity. If so, you’ve done a good thing, but you’ve given up a habit that not only gave you pleasure, but also made you feel complete, satisfied, beloved. Praise God you gave it up, sure. The problem is, you may not have found alternative methods—acceptable ones, that is—that will give you a legitimate sense of satisfaction as well. So when you’re hit with pressures, mood swings, or anxieties, your past urges you to go back to the coping mechanisms which have proven to be somewhat effective. Sinful, yes, but still effective.

The Good Old Days always look better in retrospect, especially when you’re having Bad New Days. But isn’t the fact that you’re having struggles proof that you’re stretching? Stretching isn’t always fun. You stretch when you force yourself to try new behaviors, or when you deny yourself what you used to indulge in. When you stretch yourself, you exercise patience. And when stretching, you force yourself to go a little further than you’ve gone before. You get tired, so naturally your thoughts turn toward the days when you weren’t stretching; days when you indulged. And, of course, your thoughts turn toward the indulgence itself.

So whether the past holds the memory of one particular lover, or of pleasurable times in general, it can take on an enchanting quality, perhaps making you feel empty, unsatisfied, deprived.

Like the “heat” of arousal, these periods of looking back and longing for something different can be cyclic. David had a similar experience when he envied the seemingly terrific lives of wicked people. “I was envious of the boastful, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked,” he wrote in Psalm 73. Describing their strength and success, even when committing evil deeds, he concluded, “I have cleansed my heart in vain, and washed my hands in innocence.” (Translation: What good is godly living when the ungodly have it so much better? And what’s the use in giving up ungodliness when it seems to provide more happiness than righteousness? Righteousness doesn’t keep me warm at night!)

But then he looked ahead a little and considered not the good life the wicked enjoyed, but the end result of it. And it hit him like cold water: “Oh, how they are brought to desolation, as in a moment!” The value of right living, he concluded, is not its present satisfaction, though there is that as well, but its long range benefits.

There’s the key, it seems. The value in leaving an ungodly though pleasurable past is that it has no future. Your memories look good only because you’re not seeing them panoramically. Take them to their logical conclusion, considering not only what you did and enjoyed, but where it was leading you, and you get a more accurate picture of your past. That’s one way today you can shake off the power of “good” but sinful memories. View them with an eternal perspective, and that’s perspective that will always keep you thinking clearly."

As I read these words so clearly described by Joe Dallas I find myself agreeing with every point he has made. In my heart I am rejecting the past with its repeated failures concerning "sexual fantasies and experiences" but what my "heart rejects, my mind has nonetheless recorded, and there's no delete button for that." There is one thing that always stands out above all others in my mind and that is past sexual experiences/memories. They stand out in vivid detail as images in my mind and each sensation is embedded in my body. These images and sensations may look and feel good but they are triggers that I confess I have often ignored in lieu of temporary pleasure. The result is always the same, I have ended up feeling rotten about myself, used, rejected, shamed and the most harmful part is the distance it produces between me and God.

I am writing this because I see the reality of where I have been regarding sexual fantasies and experiences. They have gained me nothing, absolutely nothing. What they have produced are innumerable negative results in my life. They have blinded me from being able to see that having a wife and family of my own would have been the best choice, preferring God's will. They have damaged my will to resist temptation instead of passively going for the next thrill at such a cost (even financially, emotionally, physically, psychologically). They have produced in me a skewered view of 'love'. I came to see 'love' as just a physical thing and that 'love' was focused on guys alone. They reinforced that inner turmoil, that negative depressing feeling, that I am still ALONE; the thrill may have been a high but I am still ALONE.

But GOD! If it wasn't for God I wouldn't be seeing this reality today. If it wasn't for God and the Power of His Love to forgive, cleanse, purify and heal my life I don't know where I'd be.

"Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:17-19

Today here in Canada it is Thanksgiving Day. I just simply am so overwhelmed with God's love for me. As the song says, "Great is Thy Faithfulness, O God, my Father." He is my "eternal perspective", the only perspective that really counts.

I thank Him for being able to see the beauty in the world He created, just for me, just for you.

*See LINKS on the left side of my blog for Joe Dallas.

"don't you love me?"

2011-09-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

Hi there, Mom! Oh, I know you can't hear me, you don't even know I'm here yet, but I am. God nows I'm here. My beginning maybe wasn't perfect but He still chose to have me become a part of the human race. I'm mighty small right now but before long you'll feel me growing inside you. I'm so excited to know how special I'll be, no body else made exactly like me. I will have bluish eyes and red hair just like you. I hope you'll be pleased when you become aware of my existence.

Well, you found out about me today, Mom. I have a feeling that you didn't expect me to be here, but I am. I began to sense that you were not so sure about what you had just learned. You were so emotional, I could feel your body trembling. When your father heard about me he became very angry. I felt the blows and heard the shouts. Why doesn't he like me? Why is he so mean to you, to us? Where's my dad, he'd stick up for me, wouldn't he? I have a horrible feeling I'll never see his face, but why? He won't be there to welcome me when I'm born.

Why doesn't anyone seem to want me? My little body is in much pain, I toss and turn feeling like something is gonna burst inside me. You are crying so hard I wonder if you're ever gonna stop. Your father told you that you had to leave home right away and to never ever tell anyone about all this, about me.

Your stomach started to show but instead of happiness that you are to become a mother you got even more sad as the months passed. Why is it you never talk to me, never hug me? I still don't feel safe. My body is growing and that feels so good but in my heart I feel fearful of the world outside of where I am now. I am almost 36 weeks old and I feel I am about to be born. Maybe when I'm born and you see me your heart will want to hold me and never let me go. I know when you see me you will change your mind.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

There are problems with my birth but when I cry out I know I am alive. When I see your face though there is so much sadness in it, a mere hint of a smile but you hesitate to hold me. When I'm laying in the crib, nurses attending me at times, I toss and turn, people around but I still feel so alone. Something inside makes me want to do something to chase away the loneliness I feel.

Mom, you never talk to me much, you seem like a stranger. Then you get sick and I can't see you for a long while. Finally you're better and we take a long ride on a bus. When we get to where we're going you take me to a hospital type place where there are others similar to me. So many of them look like I feel, faces filled with questions, rather than jumping for joy.

Mom, why are you crying, why don't you hold me, don't you love me? Then you walk away and I never see your face again. The love I'd hoped for is gone.

Further to the above: There is much evidence that negative outside forces (much as described above) affect a baby in the womb and carry over even into adulthood. I have pieced together the tidbits I learned when I was able to finally meet some people who knew my birth mother and the family environment she grew up in. The above post is a result of my desire to verbalize what I must have been feeling even in my growing body in the months preceding my actual birth date. My birth mother (who I never got to meet) grew up in a home where 'secrets' were paramount and never to be shared with anyone outside, that is the feeling I got from the little information I found. She died with this 'secret' (my birth) at 47 years of age.

The following is a letter to an Unborn Child. "The Heavenly Father will bless you," is one of my favorite lines and He really has.

A Love Letter To My Unborn Child
© Carlisa P. Branch
I write this letter to my unborn child from the depths of my soul.
You've entered my womb and made my life complete and whole.
I never thought I would be chosen for such an awesome task.
It is a greater blessing than what I ever could ask.
I can almost imagine you in my mind.
Beautiful, Happy, Bouncing, flashing a smile so kind.
Feeling you flutter is a sensation like no other.
It does wonders for the joy of this soon-to-be-mother!
You create a glow in me I never knew I would see.
It is true happiness that sets me on cloud nine manifested deep inside of me!
You're my baby, my child, my heart, and my wonder.
I pray we create a bond that no one can put asunder.
You're a designers' original! A creation from the King!
I can hardly wait for you to enter the world and see the joy you bring.
Sweet baby of mine, you're a magnificent gift from above.
Living proof of how your father and I have shared our love.
I hope you have your fathers' eyes
Then you will go into the world able to look at all things wise.
I hope you inherit my ability to plan.
With that you will be able to face all things in life as a strong woman or man.
I hope you receive from your father his selfless ways.
For this the Heavenly Father will bless you, as he did him, all of your days.
I hope you learn from me, spirit and let no one take it.
Believe me you will need it in life, and many will try to break it.
But with that spirit you must have your father's center.
With that you will be cautious of any door you enter.
I want you to have my curiosity.
There's nothing wrong with questions you may blurt!
But receive your fathers' discernment,
so you'll know when to let go before getting hurt.
Have my big heart; know what emotions are and how to be real.
Share your fathers' strength so you can handle what you feel.
Share my sense of humor! Laugh a lot it helps you through life.
Share your fathers' sense of duty. Know how to be serious and take strife.
I'm emotional so I tell you its okay to blubber once and a while like your Mom.
But learn to develop what your father has; an excellent sense of calm.
But most of all the things I wish for your father and I to share.
I wish we teach you to love, respect, strength of mind, and to care.
These are my feelings, wishes and hopes for you.
You make my heart and soul sing!
I welcome you to the world and thank you for the joy,
my little king.

Source: A Love Letter To My Unborn Child, Children Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/a-love-letter-to-my-unborn-child#ixzz1ZYphGYYo
Family Friend Poems

Father's/Dad's, Who are they?

2011-09-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

Which one of these pictures make you smile?
Which one brings a tear to your eye?
Which one even makes you utter a silent question, "Man, I wish my dad had done that?", or "Man, my dad was just that, I love him for helping me feel like I was the most important kid in the world!"
Which one makes you break out in a good laugh? Of course that would be the last one. What was he so happy about? Just happy to be a kid, free to be himself, jumping with joy!

What emotions are the two boys feeling at this moment?
What questions are going through their minds?
Why does the dad look like he is disapproving of something his son has done?

When it comes to thinking about our relationship to our Father/Dad it often makes us get down and take a closer look at who he was/is.
When he enters your thoughts do the memories (present or past) make you smile or do they bring an ache to your heart? Thinking of him may even bring no feelings much at all, what do you do with that?

For those of us who feel that ache in our heart regarding the subject of our Father/Dad it may make us cry out at times -

It may bring up emotions of anger in the form of questions such as:
Why couldn't he have just played catch with me once, I asked him but he was too busy?
Why was he afraid to show any affection to me, didn't he love me?
Why wasn't he proud of me, I needed to hear that so bad?
Why did he die when I was so young, I needed him?
Why did he drink so much and make us feel like we didn't matter?
Why did he abandon me, I never even got to see his face?

What do we do with the issues in our very souls concerning our Father/Dad?

I am one of the ones who doesn't feel much when I think of my Father/Dad. My biological father I never got to meet because he never knew he had another son, me. He is just a man in a picture I received once that indicated what he looked like. I never got to see his face. My dad was the man who adopted me when I was almost a year old. He was there but (as I look back with a different perspective now that I am older) he just didn't know how to be a father. He died when I was a teenager and at his funeral I felt nothing. I felt nothing back there and I still don't concerning him.

I do feel that incredible loss of a Father/Dad, though, and it does bring sadness, anguish, tears, anger (directed more at myself), questions, what ifs, and many other emotional responses. I feel that a Father figure is so crucial in our lives, without him there is an ache in our heart for someone to "make the world's problems go away;" to show us how to be a man, how to face problems, how to catch a ball, how to treat a woman, and the list could go on. What about the blessing of a Father?! We need someone to bless us. I believe that is what God wants a Father to do, bless us, if we miss that our journey is much more difficult and answers harder to find. A blessing would give us confidence to live as healthy guys in this often disturbing world where right and wrong are getting so blurred. We need our Father/Dad!

What do we do with this ache in our heart?
Each time I see a father and his son walking down the sidewalk together having a conversation I get that ache in my heart. Each time I see a dad standing with his arm around his son or the son has his arm on his dad's shoulder I get that ache in my heart. Each time! There is that ache, I can't push it down inside, I can't try to drown it by some dulling escapade, I can't look to someone else to take it away, I can only give it to the One who "is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit." There will always be a hole in my heart where my earthly father/dad should have been. On the other hand, that same hole can be filled by my Father God. He loves me, He has seen every one of my tears, He knows the ache in my heart, He has seen the things I have done to try and fill that hole with sinful things, He forgives me, He knows what I need and I can trust Him with every detail of my life. It has not been an easy road because I have often drifted back to letting that 'ache' drag me down but the Lord God has always been there to love me back to right living. He is the One I depend on, He knows me best, I run to Him because He is my Father God.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear; though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, thought its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." Psalm 46:1-3

Prayer:
"God, our Father, bless each man who reads this prayer. Give him the strength to live each day. Give him wisdom in every decision he finds he needs to make. Give him joy in his heart knowing he is loved, that he is worth knowing, that he a valuable vital human being, that he is complete as a man and that he can be proud of himself. Help him to walk with his head held high, without fear or dread, confident that You will lead him each step of the way. Heal any ache in his heart that has held him back from the best that he can have in his life. Help him to rise above any weakness that keeps plaguing his walk to freedom as a man. In Your name, Lord Jesus Christ, put a hedge about him where the evil one cannot touch him, cover him with your blood, free him to be the best man he can be. Bless him from this moment on. In Your Holy Name, we ask. Amen"

Thirsty Thursday

2011-08-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters;" Isaiah 55:1

"My soul thirsts for God, for the living God." Psalm 42:2
"He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." Psalm 107:9
"Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them." John 7:37

"Let the one who hears say, 'Come!' Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life." Revelation 22:17

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Matthew 5:6

These are some of the verses I read today as I was thinking about how much God desires me to thirst after him. Lately I have noticed in myself that I desire to read God's Word but at the very moment I go to do that my mind races to something else, some task that I 'just gotta do' right now. A while later it hits me that I have went through a whole day without reading the Bible or even spending time in prayer, seeking His will. I believe the Lord put that thirst in my heart because I need it so much. I am prone to look to people to meet my urning for fellowship, encouragement, intimacy and to give me a sense of belonging but in reality the first one I am to turn to is God. He alone knows what my heart needs. That is where I am today, desiring to grow closer to Him, letting Him quench my thirst, the thirst He put there and the place where I can be completely satisfied.

I love the words of this song as Steve wrote it:

Psalm 63: My Soul Is Thirsting/As Morning Breaks
by Steve Angrisano

Refrain:
My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord,

thirsting for you, my God,

thirsting for you, my God.

My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord,

thirsting for you, my God,

thirsting for you, my God.

Alternate Refrain:

As morning breaks I look to you;
be my strength this day.
As morning breaks I look to you;
be my strength this day,
be my strength this day.

1. O God, you are my God,
and I will always praise you.
In the shadow of your wings
I cling to you and you hold me high.

2. Through the day you walk with me;
all the night your love
surrounds me.
To the glory of your name
I lift my hands, I sing your praise.

3. I will never be afraid,
for I will not be abandoned.
Even when the road grows long
and weary
your love will rescue me.
(You can find this song and listen to it at this site)

Undeserving of Such Love

2011-06-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

I am changing my Blog Title to read, "Undeserving of Such Love". I am overwhelmed with the depth of God's love for me. I have failed Him so much, through my sins and failures, but never once did He give up on me or turn away. He has gently loved me to Himself, loved me through my disobedience and rebellion, with patience that is beyond description. I am so proud to be His child, not because I could have ever done anything to merit His love and forgiveness, but simply because He chose to love and forgive me when I was lost in sin. God is my Father, Jesus is my Saviour, what more could I want!

"I waited patiently for the Lord, and he inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay. And He set my feet upon a rock and established my goings. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God." Psalm 40:1-3

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

Why did he do it? Why me? I didn't deserve it! He robbed me.

2011-06-29T17:48:00.000-07:00

Why did he do it? Well I guess he thought he could and I wouldn't tell on him. He was right there beside me in bed and I guess his sexual desires got the best of him. Perhaps he had done that before and thought it was okay. We were alone there in the room and it was dark, others were sound asleep. I was awakened by his touch, something felt good, or did it?

I would never come to know the answer to that question.

Why me? I don't know the answer to that except that he had been working on our farm for a while. We had been sleeping in the same room for weeks. It probably had been on his mind for some time. I was there, I was available? Maybe he didn't think I would know what he was doing and would just accept it. After all I was just a kid.

I would never come to know the answer to that question.

The other day I went back to the farm where we used to live. The buildings were gone but the foundation of the house was still there. As I walked toward the foundation I stepped over the cement and stood right where the bed in which we slept would have been.

That spot was right here in the bottom left hand corner of the picture inside the foundation. As I stood there I prayed to God that the weight of what he did to me would be lifted. I gave all that happened that night to God, I recognized that it was not my fault but that what the hired man had done to me was sexual abuse and that he had stolen my innocence. I believe it only happened once but I do remember later as our eyes met that I saw in his eyes a look I still don't recognize to this day. Was it apprehension that I might tell someone what he had done, was he setting me up for another time, was it a look of 'love'? I only know that as I stood there and prayed I was doing something I had to do and it was part of separating myself from the past.

There are those who say that sexual abuse does not cause a person to have SSA (same sex attraction) but I know that physical attachment (touching, fondling, etc.) such as I experienced can leave in a kid a certain mystery, confusion and curiosity concerning the adult male body. I didn't know exactly what was happening but I was getting attention, attention that I am pretty sure I craved at that time in some way. He took my innocence, my need for attention and sexualized it in a way that no young 11 year old kid should ever experience contact with a male figure. I have looked at boys who are around that age and wondered why a man would ever violate them. I was one of those boys and yes it did contribute to SSA and acting out. I don't blame that hired man for the way I let SSA control my life later but he was the initiator of much of it.

I took a picture of myself at the place where this all happened. I was that young boy who was introduced to a sexual experience that changed how I looked at adults, especially males, from that point on. When I stood there and prayed I released all the mystery, confusion, curiosity and sin that had become a part of my life in the coming time since the abuse.

I believe that God will, as we turn our lives over into His care, turn things that represent darkness (those things that are mysteries and which bring up huge questions as to why they hold so much power over us) into light and we can identify them and give them to Him. I had to learn to trust God completely and let Him take me to those dark places. Some led to confronting even what my ancestors had done and seeing how it had affected my life. Through it all, God has been my protector and He never ceases to show His love. Isaiah 42:16 , "I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do: I will not forsake them."

I did some more exploring around the farm where I had spent my childhood and then journeyed down the hill back to my vehicle which I had left down by the main road. I left knowing I did not have to make another journey to that spot. I knew that God had been doing amazing things in my life and this was one step I needed to take to free me from things of the past. God's love is sufficient to meet my every need and to free me from the pull of those things that influenced my life so negatively.

Giving thanks to God for His unfailing love I have found has such a healing effect in my life. He has given me so much, had so much patience with me, stuck with me through all the confusion and gently led me one step at a time. I am so privileged to be His child, it was my choice as a 13 year old kid, and I have never regretted it. With those people that are referenced in 2 Chronicles 5:13 I rejoice - "The trumpeters and singer joined in unison, as with one voice, to give praise and thanks to the Lord. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, they raised their voices in praise to the Lord and sang: He is good; His love endures forever."

MISSING A FRIEND

2011-06-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

Today as I was going through some stuff in a filing box I ran across a folder of letters and cards I had received from a friend some years back, 1980's and 90's. It was hard to read through them again because I saw a precious guy whose life had been changed by God but his final days in life were not very pleasant. In September, 1990 I received a letter from a Banking Company advising me that he had died. That news was a shock to me as he was only in his late 30's. Sometime previous to receiving the news of his death I had received a letter from Norman and in it he cut off our friendship. The following is his exact words:

"Stan,

I received your letter a few days ago and as usual I was disappointed by it & found it very depressing, so much so that I will have to ask you to stop writing me.

I don't want to have any contact from you anymore.

I do hope you'll get your life turned around before its too late

Norman"

It was some months before I decided to stop and write a letter to him hoping that perhaps he had changed his mind. That was when I received the letter from the Bank stating that Norman had passed away. I had been back West to visit Norman about 5 years earlier and had went with him to the church he was attending. I decided to write a letter to the Pastor of the church he had went to and see if I could find out additional information concerning Norman. The following is the letter I received back:

"Thank you for your letter of September 19th and the expression of concern you had for Norm ____.

Norm was a member of our church for some time and during that time experienced a major change in his perspective on life because of his personal relationship with God and His Word.

Norm was always interested in evangelism and would create gospel tracts for translation into other languages. He was a faithful attender and a good friend to a number of men in the church.

Norm's background prior to his born-again experience was, like any Christian's past, no longer a factor in the new life he chose to live. However, the effects of it in his body became evident a few years ago. Norm was diagnosed with AIDS and immediately he began to put his trust in God's Word concerning his healing. We watched Norm leave the Intensive Care Ward and a near death state to return to work and a normal lifestyle. The miracle power of God was something Norm experienced personally.

The change in his attitude that you referenced was due to personal choice Norm made concerning some hurt. It caused him, as the Bible teaches, to experience a regression in his walk with God, his fellowship with others and his physical condition. He didn't enter back into past sin but retained a personal hurt.

I visited him often in hospital and at one point the nurse told me that physically he was able to recover but mentally he had given up because of bitterness. The final stages of Norm's condition were such that his thoughts and intentions were incoherent. This, perhaps, was reflected in the confusion of his letter to you.

We believe that Norm's decision to receive Jesus secured for him the home he enjoys today. We thank God for the testimony of a life-changed by the power of God.

Once again, thank you for your concern and if there are any issues that we can assist you in don't hesitate to write.

Sincerely,

Rev. John C. _______"

Those reading this who know about SSA will understand under what conditions Norman and I met initially. After a time I had to let him know I was a Christian and that we couldn't keep meeting in the same manner. I had been in contact with a "ministry" in the East and decided to move there in hopes of getting support and help. I travelled to Ontario and was there for three years when I got a letter from Norman with the great news that he had become a Christian. For the next years we kept in contact through letters and I saw the change in him and the enthusiasm for serving the Lord, as indicated in the letter above.

In 1987 I was going to move back to Western Canada and so contacted Norman. I ended up not moving then but in a letter from Norman he told me he had been extremely ill but that God had healed him and that he was living proof of divine healing. He didn't tell me it was AIDS and I didn't even suspect it until the news of his passing.

I am MISSING A FRIEND today. In one of his letters he told me that he "didn't think it does any good to rehash the past, to let it go and forget it." I recall him sharing a little bit concerning his past and it was full of painful things. I remember thinking that there was pain in his eyes. That became clearer when I heard that he was gone.

A leader of a support group I attended in Ontario once told me he saw there was pain in my eyes and life. I passed it off at the time but today I know that what he said was true. I also know that facing the things that caused such excruciating pain, though it took a long time to realize how deep they were and hard to understand, was necessary for me to stay alive. One by one God in His love has helped me to face them, pray over them, cry, face the shame many of them caused and give them to Him where they are covered by His blood. Just this week for almost the first time in my life I have felt "normal", no words here can express what that means to me.

I am MISSING A FRIEND today because Norman didn't take the chance to face the pain he felt so deeply. He had God in his heart, the God who saved his soul and made him a new Creation. If you could read the letters he wrote to me you would see the beautiful things the Lord did in his life. For some reason Norman gave up in the end, only he knew the reason why and he's not here to tell now. I want to see him in heaven, I know I will.

Dealing With The Past

2011-05-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

May 23

Dealing With the Past

"Believe ye that I am able to do this?" (Matt. 9:28).

God deals with impossibilities. It is never too late for Him to do so, when the impossible is brought to Him, in full faith, by the one in whose life and circumstances the impossible must be accomplished if God is to be glorified. If in our own life there have been rebellion, unbelief, sin, and disaster, it is never too late for God to deal triumphantly with these tragic facts if brought to Him in full surrender and trust. It has often been said, and with truth, that Christianity is the only religion that can deal with man's past. God can "restore the years that the locust hath eaten" (Joel 2:25); and He will do this when we put the whole situation and ourselves unreservedly and believingly into His hands. Not because of what we are but because of what He is. God forgives and heals and restores. He is "the God of all grace." Let us praise Him and trust Him. --Sunday School Times

"Nothing is too hard for Jesus No man can work like Him."

"We have a God who delights in impossibilities." Nothing too hard for Me. --Andrew Murray

As I read this Devotional this morning I again read the words quoted from Joel 2:25 that God can "restore the years that the locust hath eaten." This comes to mind when I recall a great book I just finished reading titled, "Out Of A Far Country" by Christopher Yuan & Angela Yuan. Chuck Colson in his statement at the beginning of the book says, "Christopher and Angela have told the story of their miraculous journey from broken lives, relationships and dreams to a place of hope and healing." Christopher tells his story in this book and his website is www.ChristopherYuan.com

God certainly can restore our lives, no matter where we have been or how much of a failure we feel we have been in the past. As His children He is constantly working to heal and restore, I have been so aware of that in my own life. Nothing is too hard for Him.

I'm with HIM!

2011-05-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

I'm with HIM!

I'm with the ONE who hung on that Cross!

I'm with the one kneeling at the foot of that Cross!

Are you with me? Hope so!

God's Chisel

2011-05-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith." Hebrews 12:1b

God's Chisel is really painful at times. Often I feel like a hypocrite when I find it easier to see the fault in someone else than to turn the focus on myself. I must confess that I let my mind wonder onto those things that lead to sexual falls for much too long. In all my years of dealing with this weakness I have not ceased to know that there was a way to complete freedom, unfortunately I didn't let God completely chisel it away from my life a long time ago. I let stress, loneliness and often just laziness on my part to get me to get my eyes off the goal, that of giving complete control over to the Lord. It is with shame that I confess I was wrong in letting this sin be such a stumbling block in my life. I tell all this not to discourage anyone reading this but in order that it be an encouragement to cause you to do whatever it takes, NOW, to let God do His purifying work in your life. There is a statement that goes as follows and it is true - "Sin keeps you longer than you ever thought you'd stay, it takes you deeper than you ever thought you'd go and it costs you more than you ever thought you'd pay."

PSATURDAY (Saturday Psalm)

2011-04-30T16:17:00.000-07:00

"When I kept silent,

my bones wasted away

through all my groaning all day

long.

For day and night

your hand was heavy upon me:

my strength was sapped

as in the heat of summer.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, "I will confess

my transgressions to the Lord"--

and you forgave

the guilt of my sin.

Therefore let everyone who is godly

pray to you

while you may be found:

surely when the mighty waters

rise,

they will not reach him.

You are my hiding place:

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of

deliverance.

I will instruct you and teach you

in the way you should go;

I will counsel you and watch over you.

...The Lord's unfailing love

surrounds the man who trust in

him."

Psalm 32:3-8,10b

"A BROKEN SPIRIT"

2011-04-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you alone, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are A BROKEN SPIRIT; a broken and contrite heart,

O God you will not despise." Psalm 51:1-12,15-17

This prayer of David's is one that I pray today as well. It is a prayer for God's mercy, forgiveness and cleansing, to be made pure and to be restored. His words ring true for me as I see where I have been and am, in need of the same things as David asked back when he wrote these words. I place myself at Jesus' feet, at the foot of the Cross, no fancy words, only me, in need of His help and healing. I also kneel there and say "Thank you Lord, for saving a sinner like me. I feel so unworthy of all you have done for me, yet you keep on giving me strength for every day. You give me the desire to keep going with things get rough and I'm tempted to give up. I want to be strong but I also realize that in my weakness you are my strength. Help me to rely on you in every situation. As David prayed, open my lips to sing your praises. Thank you for your goodness and patience which leads me to repentance and renews my faith."

When thinking about this post today I was reminded of the verse in Isaiah 53:6, "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord as laid on him the iniquity of us all." As in the picture above, the shepherd has found his sheep that had strayed. How often I am reminded in my own life how I act like that sheep, so easily distracted and in need of the Good Shepherd to draw me back.

This week is Easter and it signifies the time when Jesus was taken and crucified, giving his life on the Cross as a sacrifice for my/our sin. Isaiah 53:4-5 talks about what he did there on the Cross; "Surely he took our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." The verse many of us know so well in John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him will have everlasting life." (Remember memorizing this verse as a little kid) That is love. That love heals "A BROKEN SPIRIT."

DAD'S - Bless Your Children

2011-04-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

Mason's Rite of Passage

SPARTANBURG, SC (August 12, 2010) - Yesterday, My son Mason turned 13. This age is a big deal, because it marks the teenage years, and in most cultures, it’s the day a boy becomes a man. I wonder how many teenagers would make wiser decisions if they knew they were a man and didn’t have to prove it by doing something stupid or immoral (or both). Having said that, we decided to have a rite of passage ceremony at the beach. I invited men that Mason looks up to and none of his friends, so that it was all about Mason’s rite of passage, and not seeing his friends.

Here’s how it went down:

7:30 PM Sunday Night: Mason is “jumped” in his house, by two staff members. They throw a pillow sham over his head and throw him in a van with loud music, and drive him to the beach. (He absolutely loved this, and didn’t know it was coming!) They also made him do 100 push-ups in the van on the way.

8:00 PM Mason is led out of the van, to find he’s on the beach with a bunch of men he knows, including me (his dad) and his grandfather and uncle.

At this point everyone cheers for him, and I challenge him to more push ups, because a physical challenge is always a part of the rite of passage. He finishes his next round (25, which is hard at one time if you just did 100!) Then I explain to him the Wisdom Walk.

The Wisdom Walk is where different men walk with Mason from the bonfire to a dune with a valley in it, we called the “valley of manhood.” On the walk, the men shared a word of wisdom with him, then watched him shoot an arrow in a target set up for him (see Psalm 127:3-4), and prayed with him.

I walked with Mason first, and explained the wisdom walk. We weren’t there 5 minutes before we were both crying, as I told him how much I approved of him, believed in him, and shared that he is destined for greatness (I’ve told him that his whole life).

Then I prayed with him. On the walk back, he said “dad, can we slow down? I want this to last.” That’s when I knew this was going to be special.
Mason did the wisdom walk with all the men, and in between each walk he would eat a hot dog from the grill, and then go on another walk. He also got to shoot a gun (it was legal).

Then, after almost all wisdom walks were done, two friends began to beat drums (very tribal!) while we all put war paint on. The best was watching my 74 year old father with war paint! Then we shaved Mason’s head (back only) with drums beating and all the guys hooping and hollering, while someone else added war paint all over his face, chest, and arms. Then he went on another wisdom walk with his uncle, who talked to him about facing his fears.

After this, he was led to the ocean, with a challenge. Follow the line (a rope) and bring back what’s on the other end of it. Please imagine being 13 years old and walking into the ocean at night, alone. Then go out 60 feet! His uncle went out to encourage him, and Mason brought back an anchor.

As Mason came out of the ocean, we cheered for him as we knew by the look on his face, that he had just faced a tremendous fear! Then I talked to him about becoming a man. After this, I had Mason repeat a pledge to me that I wrote for him.

Here's the Pledge Mason and I shared.

I, Mason Cornelius, promise God and this fellowship of Men,
To honor and obey the Lord.
To keep him first in my life.
To honor God in my speech.
To honor God's House, the Church, by being an active part through serving and giving of myself.
I promise to honor my parents and all other authority
I promise to respect others.
I promise to be pure out of respect for my future wife, honoring her by waiting to have sex until I am married.
I promise to respect other people's stuff.
I promise to be honest.
I promise to be grateful for what I have and work hard to earn whatever I want in life.

I said, “Mason, you just committed to the ten commandments, the God Code of real, Biblical manhood.”

Then I declared over my son that tonight he has become a man! After this, I prayed over my son while weeping, and then I told that the pledge was the biblical code of manhood, which is actually the Ten Commandments. Then I talked about Exodus 20:4 mentioning God’s blessing extending generations, and I asked my dad (Mason’s grandfather) to pray for Mason while all the men laid hands on him. When the prayer was finished, we all cheered and hugged Mason, and I thanked everyone for coming. Several men finished their wisdom walks with Mason, and we packed up and went home.

© Copyright 2010 Bil Cornelius Ministries (Bay Area Fellowship, Corpus Christi, TX)

This article is taken from Truth Ministry and was the story of Mason being blessed by his dad, grandfather, and others. I am sure this was not just a one time thing but was just another amazing way Mason's life was blessed by his dad and those around him. ".....I prayed over my son while weeping;" that statement tells the whole story so poignantly, a DAD blessing his SON.

Every SINGLE Tear!

2011-03-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

"It's not about the fish!" This heading for the picture to the left is so well chosen. When I found it today I just had to share it. It speaks to me of the relationship that should be between a father and his son. It brought tears to my eyes, not just because there is such a tender moment portrayed in the photo, but because I had never known a time in my own childhood of such closeness. Why do I feel that way still? Well, no matter how old I am there is still that little boy inside that yearns for a meaningful and loving connection with his father. That cannot happen as my father is gone. Today as I thought about all this I wondered why this issue is so important to me. I really must admit that I don't entirely know why. Emotional stuff like this is often hard for me to put into words. I just plain miss my (a) father and probably that includes a heap-full of needs that have went unfulfilled. This has been my day.

I missed that shoulder to shoulder talk where we could have sat side by side on the dock with the fishing rod ready to pull in a fish.

I missed those times when I could have looked up into my father's face, saw his loving smile and heard the words, "I'm so glad you are my son!"

I missed those times when me and my father would have played catch together.

I missed those times when me and my dad could have gone bike riding, just the two of us.

I missed that hand on my shoulder, that strong hand rubbing my back (I have witnessed a father sitting in front of me in church gently rubbing his son's back, every time it brings a tear), that pat on my head, helping me know I belong.

I miss having these and many other memories to hold on to today but they are not there.

I hold on to the reality that God sees "every single tear" that rolls down my cheek. Take a listen to this beautiful song, it will lift you up as it did me.

Jesus Christ Saved Me from 27 Years of Homosexuality | David Upton | I'll Be Honest | illbehonest.com

2011-03-20T15:23:00.000-07:00

Jesus Christ Saved Me from 27 Years of Homosexuality | David Upton | I'll Be Honest | illbehonest.com

I listened to David's testimony in this video and just had to share it here. It was a long journey for him, as it has been for many of us, and shows God's patience and gentleness in the way He leads us to surrender to Him.

Letter To A Brother

2011-03-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

The following letter to my dear brother (in the Lord Jesus) has to do with my response to his own sharing concerning how the issue of FreeMasonry (FM used in the letter) affected his own life in very negative ways. The letter also outlines some of my journey in finding out information about my roots. GF is used to refer to my Grandfather (my birth mothers father). If you are reading this and you have any reference to FM in your own life it may be disturbing as it was mine even as I wrote out the following letter. I thank God that through Jesus' death and resurrection He made a way that even someone else's sin against us is broken in His Holy and Almighty Name.

"I really only looked into Freemasonry after I found and talked to some relatives from my birth mother's side. I was given up for adoption before I was a year old so I wasn't subjected to any of the stuff I later found out about my Grandfather. It was in 1993 when I finally met these relatives (mentioned above) and one lady told me about his (GF's) involvement in FM, she also showed me a picture taken at my GF's funeral that showed the Mason's dressed in their garb, walking around the casket at the front of the church and chanting. A cousin who I also met in 1993 then (she was 83 at the time and died a couple years later) made the statement and I remember so clearly what she said to me - "If you had lived around your Grandfather you wouldn't have survived." She was the sweetest lady and I know now there was a reason she told me.

You mentioned about deaths and that gives me shivers in many ways. My Grandfather and his wife had 7 children, only one survived to his 60's and he was slow (don't know if he was classed as retarded). My birth mother died when she was 47 (1970) of a stroke. One son of my GF's drowned in his teens. Four other children of my GF's died before they reached 40 years old. Evidently my Grandmother (she is the one who was Irish) was a very quiet person and what I saw in the pictures I was shown she looked so sad. No one knew what any of these people died of (last four), lots of secrets from what I gathered.

When my birth mother found out she was pregnant (with me) her father abused her, sent her away with strict instructions to never tell anyone and give the child up for adoption. She did that and no one was the wiser, except for one person who had heard a rumor but she never questioned it at the time. She only questioned it further when in 1992 she got a letter, turned out it was one I had written (I had found the names and addresses of people across Canada with the same last name as my birth mothers and mailed out 50 letters). Through her I consequently found out a lot, much not nice, but did meet some dear people on my birth mother's side.

As I write this there are tears, I feel it so intensely. One thing comes to mind. I went to visit (around 1993) the wife of my half-brother (birth father's side - my half-brother had been killed in a truck accident the year before) to just hopefully get to know her and find out a bit about my birth father. When I walked into the room an older lady was there sitting at the table and she looked meanly at me. She turned out to be the widow of one of my birth father's brothers. Betty (my half-brothers wife) also sat at the table and she looked absolutely petrified. Betty didn't even speak but the older lady started in at me telling me in no uncertain terms that I was an impostor and that I was not Peter's (birth father) son. I listened for a couple minutes and as I turned to leave I said, "I don't have to listen to any more of this, I'm going now!" I got in my car and as I drove down the long driveway there was a big tree at the end and as if it were a moment ago, I was aiming at that tree at full speed (in my mind and thoughts). I came THAT close. Thankfully I was staying at relatives (birth mothers side) a few kilometers away and I drove there and was able to relate to them what had just happened. Right now as I relate this to you I am so glad I was able to tell them right away what I had faced. I was devastated because what this lady said attacked my hope that Peter was my father.

Last night was the first time that I saw how God had got me out of that place where I would have been subjected to my GF. I am so thankful. My adoptive home was far from a perfect one but through it I got to Church, Sunday School and camp where I learned about Jesus and was saved (one day at camp as I kneeled at the end of my bunk and asked Jesus into my heart).

I have no problem seeing that my Grandfather had an effect on my life even though I never met him. Lately I have been outlining the instances of "rejection" in my life and I see how each one affected how I looked at life. Not time here to list them but one was pre-natal rejection, even before I was born I was rejected, rejected by the people who should have welcomed me into the world yet whose only intention was to get rid of me and never mention even my name - my birth mother gave me the name George Wayne ____.

Reading up a bit last night re: FM I see that my GF's rejection really took on the form of some kind of oath. Right now in Jesus Christ's name I pray against that oath and all that it stands for. It was right from Satan, the enemy of our soul who seeks to steal, kill and destroy. I/we are free in Jesus' holy name.

I love you, _________, with all my heart. We may be far apart (geographically) but I know you are my brother, bonded in our connection as God's precious children.

P.S. Part of that rejection I mentioned had to do with women. So many things happened (pre-natal wounding and my adoptive mother leaving us when I was 11 years old - she came back after a year but the damage was already done to me and I learned not to trust women) that affected me as I tried to relate to women. I see now how these things made me afraid to ever get close to a woman and consequently to never feel ANY physical attraction whatsoever. That cost me marriage and even the ability to think I could love someone. ________, you are so blessed to have been able to love a woman, get married, have children. DO YOU HEAR ME! Not joking in any way, I want you to feel that thankfulness and to thank God for it right now. I am so proud of you."

"Shame On You!"

2011-03-12T11:43:00.000-08:00

"Shame on you!"

Often that is just a statement meant to make someone know they did something that was not nice. Instead I use it to describe what happens to a victim of sexual abuse, to a person that is subjected to pornography or other things that draw a person into sexual bondage. I believe our minds and bodies were never meant to be subjected to any of these things. God knew what it would do to us and that is why His Word tells us to "abstain from fleshly lusts, which wage war against the soul." (1 Peter 2:11 NASB)

I believe that the things I mentioned above bring shame on us in ways we find hard to articulate or identify. In short, they mess with our brain and body. Usually it is someone else who sexually abuses us, introduces us to pornography or suggests things that after they are participated in bring on more sexual confusion. (I choose not to elaborate here concerning what I am getting at in the last sentence because it is something just too wrong to even elaborate on here-all I can say is it brought shame on me that I am just now realizing the depth of) Sexual addiction can also be a direct result of a person's exposure to experiences and pictures which are sexually charged, especially before puberty. It took me a long time to see how sexual addiction took on a life of its own as I acted out, driven by the things that were initiated in me. It was a secret I kept pretty well to myself, shame does that.

Yesterday something happened which brought all this into clearer focus. Shame reared its ugly head as I recalled the many experiences and exposures which had brought on that very shame. This morning I cried as I confessed how I had let shame drive me to let things go on in my life which kept me from being the man I wanted to be. For years I had let sexual addiction engulf my thoughts and actions. These things were initiated into my life mainly by others but I was the one that held on to them; even after praying, confessing my sin, renewing my desire to turn from them, moving across the country to get help, etc. The truth is that I let things 'slip' after while and I let sexual activity (in its many forms) weasel its way back into my life. Even in some ways I was testing God's love for me. I didn't do this intentionally but I feel that shame ("the belief that I am defective as a person") clouded my sense of who I really am.

With bowed head, not in shame and despair, but in gratitude I thank God that His love for me is real. He took my shame on the cross, I don't have to carry it any more. There is so much more to share as to how I have seen the Lord over and over again protect me, gently nudge me to keep giving it all to Him, save me from life altering situations, and simply love me to Himself. If there is anyone reading this who feels they are beyond help and healing, just know that our God never gives up on us and HE IS OUR HEALER. "Hold On To Hope!"

When a Man You Love Was Abused by Cecil Murphey

2011-02-05T13:38:00.000-08:00

The subject of sexual abuse is a topic that is difficult to talk about for a man and even to admit that it happened, takes courage. This video is posted on Cecil Murphey's blog. In his blog he talks about his own abuse and also posts the stories of other men as they process what occurred in their own lives.

For a long time I found that talking about what I remembered about my own sexual abuse seemed like I was telling someone else's story. I knew it was real but over the years I had learned to be numb inside. My feelings were numb and my desire to love and trust were something I had difficulty embracing. Even being remotely close to a woman brought on a desire to keep my distance in the fear that I would not be safe. Even now it is still hard to put into words how I 'feel' in these areas I have mentioned. Getting past the past is something I face each day, some days easier and some days not so easy.

I am so thankful that I can lean on God who I know is carrying me and has carried me through so much turmoil concerning things such as sexual abuse. God has given me a resilience inside to get up when I have felt at the bottom. I really want to pray for other men who face such challenges when confronted with sexual abuse in their own lives. I know how it feels and we shouldn't have to feel alone.

Lord Jesus, help my brothers who have been sexually abused. Help them to know that they are not alone, that they can be free to talk about it, to tell someone. Help them to see that they are loved, that they are worth every effort to be whole, that they can be free from the past. Amen.

Kevin Richardson - Kevin's (Untitled) Solo (A Night Out With The Backstr...

2011-01-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

This piece is so soft and soothing, perfectly done. Love the combination of Sax and Piano.

A "BOOSTING" EXPERIENCE

2011-01-01T12:14:00.000-08:00

On December 31st, 2010, I was returning from a shopping trip. As I approached the driveway to my apartment complex I saw a van with it's hood up which indicated some kind of problem. A guy walked toward me and motioned for me to stop. I rolled down my window and he asked if I would mind giving the van a boost. I said "sure" and so proceeded to position my truck so the cables would reach. A friend of his came out a second later and together they got the connection established. In a couple minutes their van started. Mission accomplished.

I put my hood down and was prepared to leave when the two guys both charmed in with "Thank You's" and wishes for a "Happy New Year." I was really touched by the genuine expression on their faces as they spoke to me. There was just something special about these guys. They were so sincere.

I backed out and drove around to my parking spot. Gathering my purchases I went up to my apartment. The importance of what I had just experienced outside lingered in my mind and continued to touch me deeply. I couldn't put my finger on exactly why it meant so much to me.

In the past the temptation to see these guys as objects of SSA (same-sex attraction) would have led to lusting after them in some way. I saw how I done that before and it always led to some kind of acting out. This time it became very clear to me that doing that would be using them for very selfish reasons. I didn't need to do that any more.

The more I considered the impact these two guys had on me the more I saw how God had put them there. I was able to help them but in turn they helped me to see that they need not be objects of lust. They were 'real' people, perhaps one could say even 'angels' God had put there to teach me an important lesson. As the truth became real to me I have to admit I even had tears in my eyes. I had observed real gratitude/caring/affection in their eyes.

For some time I have been praying about specific things such as lust and how it has affected me. I often thought I couldn't say "No", but actually that was a lie of Satan. I had looked at other guys through eyes that were focused on features I perceived were lacking in me. It had become a habit and my negative self-talk ingrained it even more.

As the truth about myself and what God was teaching me through this sunk in I felt such a peace in my heart. I could have been tempted to follow the path I had taken in the past, instead now I could see that the connection with these guys could touch my heart in a genuine and pure way.

God had chosen this time to get my attention in the form of two guys who needed a boost. As well, I got a "boost" in a very unique way.

Lord Jesus, in this temptation that I am experiencing I ask that it be removed in Your Holy Name. Lord Jesus, I put it under Your blood and ask You to cast it from me into the depths of the deepest sea wherever You would send it. Put a hedge about me, help me to have the wisdom to not step out of that place of protection. In Your Name, Lord Jesus, I command Satan to flee. I am a victor in Your Name.

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the forgiveness You have provided through Your shed blood on the cross. I am Your child, help me to see myself as You see me.

Merry Christmas to You!

2010-12-24T10:25:00.000-08:00

Dropping by to wish my precious friends (you know who you are!), amazing blogging cohorts (followers), magnificent & creative & artistic bloggers who are painters/photographers/writers (all around you inspire me), a very Merry Christmas. Enjoy Will's creative video.

O Holy Night: Norm Hastings, Piano (w tracks)

2010-12-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

"O Praise His Name Together." Let us celebrate Christ's coming, just for me, just for you.

A Peace Too Costly

2010-12-18T14:31:00.000-08:00

This message is just too important to not share here on my Blog. I hope it touches you as much as it has touched me. Click on the following - A Peace Too Costly

WORSHIP THE KING

2010-12-12T15:45:00.000-08:00

WORSHIP THE KING

In a dark dusty stable one starry night,

A baby was born,

Jesus, God's Son.

The angels sang, 'Glory to God in the highest.'

The shepherds and wise men

Came to worship the King.

In the heart of the Father long, long ago,

A promise was made,

Written in red.

Because He so loved the world, God gave up His only Son,

That all who believe in Him

Will have eternal life.

In His presence I stand in awe and praise His name,

Our Saviour and Lord,

And coming King.

I give Him the glory, the glory and honor,

And with adoration

I worship the King.

FATHERSONG MUSIC, Dec.2002

Written by Stanw

North Point's iBand

2010-12-10T06:44:00.000-08:00

Just to get us in the spirit of Christmas. Fantastic idea and creativity.

YOU'RE MY STRENGTH

2010-12-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

You're my strength when I am weak.

You're my hope when I am down.

In my anxiousness you are my peace,

The comfort for my soul.

When I wait upon you, Lord,

You open up the door

That leads to opportunities,

And blessings held in store.

You're my song when I am dry.

My refreshment when I'm stressed.

In my time of need you are the Rock,

The shoulder I lean on.

As I seek your best for me,

You give encouragement

To put my trust fully in you,

And follow where you lead.

There is nothing that I face,

That the riches of your grace,

And the power of your holy name

Brings triumph to my soul.

So I give you all the thanks,

You're everything to me,

Your love is so amazing, Lord,

I just can't help but sing.

You're everything to me.

Your love is so amazing, Lord.

I just can't help but sing.

FATHERSONG MUSIC 2000/2001

Written by Stanw

Glee - Somebody To Love (lyrics)

2010-11-26T20:57:00.000-08:00

"Somebody to love...............

Find me somebody to love!"

CHANGE TAKES TIME

2010-11-21T12:42:00.000-08:00

"God is often more concerned about exposing and expelling the underlying issues of the heart than He is about the inward sin with which the person struggles."

I am doing this post to include an article I found through Pure Life Ministries. In my experience I look at the above quote and see how God has been doing the exact same thing in my life. He has been exposing those issues in a very systematic way. The one I faced just this past week showed me how yet another issue with sexuality had began when I was so young. It began even before I as a kid knew what it was all about. I see now it was another way I fought with the pain inside and used anything to drive that pain away. God exposed that issue because He knew I would not be healed unless I faced it.

Recently I heard a testimony on TV where a man spoke at length about Revival. He spoke of a quiet revival, a restoration that God desires to do in my heart. God desires me to be free from all the stuff that has kept me from His best. I also believe that God has put a desire in my heart to pray for other people who struggle with same-sex attraction and for those who have been sexually abused. I hope that others who read this will also get a burden for their brothers and sisters.

COPING TO HEALING - My Way vs God's Way

2010-11-13T14:31:00.000-08:00

"I waited patiently for the Lord, and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock, and established by going. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God."

This has been one of my favorite passages from Psalm 40. I put it to song and it always lifts me up. So often I did not wait patiently for the Lord to work in my life, instead I attempted to get things going in my time frame and the result was that I got sidetracked and fell on my face. In fact I thought I knew what I really needed, not!

Recently I was challenged with a small but powerful statement and it reads like this; "Coping to Healing." I had lived for many years "coping" with issues in my life. My way of coping in many ways can be only described as sin. That may seem harsh especially when I talk about my being sexually abused as a kid which overwhelmed my mind and body, stole my innocence, brought enormous shame, robbed me of the normal ability to protect myself, etc. Initially I began using sexual acting out as a way of drowning the pain that was so intense. It became my major coping mechanism very early in my life. At the time I just wanted something that made me feel good. I didn't stop and make the decision intellectually that I was going to do this, I just went with what felt good and with what presented itself. Without proper supervision and parental guidance and wisdom at my disposal (I didn't really ask about sexual stuff, it was just something that was a taboo subject) I acted according to these new feelings. It would take pages to describe where these things took me and I will not go there because it really can only be categorized as sin.

I was initially taken advantage of and abused in a way no kid should ever be and it led to my not being able to love someone of the opposite sex. It took away any love I had for myself and made even the word "love" a mysterious concept I just couldn't comprehend adequately. As I look back over my life it brings such sadness because I see where the "normal" things a kid should feel and desire were not things I could feel or see as my future. Do I blame God for the way things went? In a way I felt that God was distant and I saw things in other peoples lives that I didn't have and I felt robbed. I was best man at the wedding's of three friends and I rejoiced in their celebrations. Inside I ignored the fact that it probably wouldn't be my experience. I think that in relation to myself I remained in a numb state when it came to my feelings. Through it all I know God was the One who kept me going. He just seemed distant because of the way I treated Him and the way the pain inside kept festering. God saw that someday I would see the pain for what it was and had been doing to me. He saw I would keep turning to Him in my time of need and He was there for me.

During the last few months I started to face many of the things that in my heart and mind had kept coming up as reasons to why I kept medicating myself. The "coping" mechanisms I had used were not working, actually they had never worked and as the days passed I began to see very clearly how they had held me captive. As I faced these truths (things I knew to be true or perceived as being true because of the way they kept coming to mind as possibilities) and was able to face them the need to cope in the same way fell away in a major way. One of the things I perceived to be true was the hardest to face because it involved someone very close to me and someone as a kid I depended on. I prayed that if what I suspected to be true was not that the inclination would go away and no longer be something I had to explore. I knew by reading that perceived memories can be faulty. That issue did not go away and after I told someone about it I felt such a release. The former need to medicate became only a recollection and I knew that the freedom and strength I felt inside was real. As the graphic above indicates, the pieces were falling into place. I don't know why it took me so long to deal with all this but I know the pain was that deep and facing that crucial people used me sexually and emotionally was hard to face.

There are a couple verses in Romans chapter 12 that address the way I let worldly passions influence me and continue to hold me captive for far too long. I know I still have a long way to go as just the other day I saw how much anger there was inside me and I saw how that anger was directed at myself. Healing is coming into my life in major ways and I am so glad to feel so much peace.

Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Going back to Psalm 40, verse 3b, it talks about helping and influencing others through sharing the hope included in my story/testimony. It really is God's story because He is the Author of healing and He alone knows the process needed to be whole.

"Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

STEP BY STEP - Where I Was I No Longer Need To Be

2010-11-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

This week I watched 200 men meeting together on the set of Oprah's Television Show (Oprah.com) to share their stories of sexual abuse. Tyler Perry had the original idea for this show. He had himself been sexually abused by males and a female. As I watched I saw myself in many of their faces and as different statements were made I found myself identifying with the deep meaning they held. Statements like,

"Don't know what love is." Throughout my life I have had difficulty in articulating what love really is. It was something I was supposed to have but what was it.
"This time it will be different." I remember wanting to please the person so much but not being able to, yet maybe "next time" it will be different, but it never was. This can also relate to another statement - "Be loyal to that dysfunctional person."
"Don't trust people." At some point I learned not to trust people. It was probably the sequence of major disappointments such as abandonment, sexual and emotional abuse and bullying.
"Men are so shamed." The shame that comes with abuse is so strong and most of the time it keeps men from sharing what they have or are going through. Shame promotes the silence that makes men fear they will not be looked on as real men.

As I look back at my journal from a week or so ago I wrote out a pray. I prayed that I would be able to see the origin ('s) of my pain and woundedness. As I read back on it I can see how important it was for me to listen to these men tell their story. I felt so much less alone in my journey concerning sexual abuse. It was refreshing to see men be real, to shed tears, to break down the wall of silence concerning their journey.

"Lord Jesus, You dug out the degradation of my heart so I could see it in all of it's horror and sickness. It needed to be exposed so I could cast it before You, own it, then disown it as right from the pit of hell. I couldn't be completely free with it in my memory where it was free to roam and disrupt me any more. Help me see it's origin - the place where I started to drown the pain and dull the woundedness inside me which had made me feel that I wasn't important to anyone or of value. I lost any drive to excel, I coasted, I know that now - something destroyed any value I had or felt for myself - it's there, I can feel it. What destroyed the goodness that You meant for me to have. What stole my ability to love, my desire to love and replaced it with shame, shame of my body and drove me toward homosexuality and to doing unspeakable sexual things."

It is not easy to talk about sexual abuse because it causes such confusion in a guy. It is not the cause of homosexual feelings and desires but sure contributes to the compulsion to drown the pain of abuse through sexual acting out. As some of the men on Oprah indicated, they wondered if they were homosexual because of their bodily reaction to the abuse. All of them did not speak but some indicated their marriages fell apart because of what the abuse had done and how it was still affecting them so much. It is sad to think of the pain that the abusers afflicted on each of those men, what would they have been if the abuse had not occurred. That is the question I ask of myself so often. It stole so much.

As I was reading 1 Peter 5:7 I was reminded that I am to be "casting the whole of my care--all my anxieties, all my worries, all my concerns, once and for all--on Him (God); for He cares for me affectionately, and cares about me watchfully." (TANT)

Step by step I am getting answers and feeling closer to wholeness as a man. It is good to see that the hope I held on to is coming to reality, step by step. For this guy, that makes me feel good!

Never Give Up On Me (Lyrics)

2010-10-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

"You never give up on me." These words hold special meaning in my life today. God has been that one constant in my life. Thought I have turned my back often and stubbornly clung to my own selfish desires God was always waiting with open arms to welcome me back, to lift me up from the pit I fell into, enabling me to reject the wrong and choose the right. This is my day of thankfulness. I am so grateful to be alive, to have the ability to make right choices, to follow through on a commitment to be a man of integrity.

Sunshine Illuminating Fall Scenes & Structures

2010-10-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

I had viewed this many times from the nearby road so just had to get to it and take a few pictures. Interesting and eye catching advertisement.

Looking from the other direction also put the downtown buildings of Edmonton in the picture.

A week ago I just had to get out of town and catch some colorful fall views. The swaths are all laid out for making bales as can be seen in the next picture.

While driving along this Range Road in our County I caught sight of this old barn, sagging but still continuing to stand, for the most part. Always love the contrast of the fall colors against the blue sky.

As I turned onto a road that led along past acreage's I found this neat old car and just couldn't resist exploring around it. Loved how the grass and foliage had grown in and around it which made a perfect setting for some pictures. I had to include one of the wheels as the wooden spokes stood out and in remarkable shape for their age.

Yesterday when I went to get the pictures of the Caboose I realized it was next to a main Power Line. The designs it afforded was worth getting some different perspectives on its structure. A friend mentioned that they looked like Metal Trees or Giant Robots, true!

I walked in under one of the towers and caught a few pictures of it from below. I laid down on the grass on my back to focus and get a steady shot, its unnerving to try that standing up.

Just as I was about to leave the area a jet flew over on its way to the Edmonton International Airport. This was my Saturday afternoon and sure loved the warmth of the sun, fall is just to short, Eh!

Thank You

2010-10-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

"I don't deserve Your love...

Thank You for everything...

I want to say, Thank You,

For the rain...for the love You give...for Who You are...

Thank You,

For heaven...

Thank You."

SHAME - A Force That Threatened To Destroy My Life

2010-10-10T10:49:00.000-07:00

Group Therapy on Reducing Shame

APRIL 28, 2010

tags: Christian integration, group therapy, reducing shame, Christian sexual minorities

by Mark

"A couple of weeks ago we finished a ten-week therapy group focused on reducing shame. The group was for Christians who experience same-sex attraction, struggle with shame, and were looking for practical resources to help them in this area. I was co-leading it with a doctoral student who had developed a curriculum on reducing shame among Christian sexual minorities (she did this for her dissertation), and we used that curriculum and collected pre- and post-group data to see the impact of the group therapy experience on participants’ experience of shame.

What I like about co-leading groups is that the very act of coming together with people who share similar struggles has a way of reducing shame. I’ve run several other groups over the years that were not focused specifically on reducing shame, and my sense what that the group experience itself helped reduce shame.

As I learned from my student’s background research on the concept of shame, shame is very isolating. Shame wants to keep a person from others and from the truth about themselves. Group therapy, by definition, takes a person outside of themselves and places them in relationships with others, and it normalizes their experience and their struggle. On the idea of how shame keeps people from the truth about themselves, I think a Christian perspective says that people are valuable because they are made in the image of God. However, shame tells a person that if others really knew them, they would reject them. This often leads people to put on a mask and to relate to people out of an appearance that they believe others will like or approve of. Shame can also lead people to make choices that end up isolating them further (and confirming in their minds that others would not really like them or care to be in a relationship with them). This only increases the pressure on the person who struggles with shame to keep others from knowing them. Talk about pressure – that is a difficult way to live and relate to others. It doesn’t meet basic needs for connection and relationship, in part because there is no sense of affirmation or acceptance for who a person is.

Christianity actually offers a helpful starting point that affirms that all people are made in the image of God and are to be valued for that apart from any acts or behavior as such. With this as a starting point (a more stable and accurate sense of identity as valued by God), a person can eventually reflect on how they wish to live, on habits that they might wish to cultivate, and they can benefit from a healthy sense of guilt about things that they do (or do not do), but that is a very different experience than shame, which centers again on who a person is (rather than what a person does).

In any case, the group therapy experience was a very positive way to explore the topic of shame, its impact on a group of people who shared many commonalities, and how to respond in practical ways to reduce the impact of shame on Christians who experience same-sex attraction."

The above is a blog post by Mark Yarhouse which addresses the issue of shame.

I am still processing what impact shame has had in my own life. I know that it drove me to drown the pain I felt inside over situations that were very confusing and at times overwhelming. Many experiences and influences in my early years created doubts in my mind as to my value as a guy. These very things brought a lot of shame with them. It has taken a long time to see the effects they have had in my life. Shame took hold of my life and I let it take me places where I as a guy should never have gone. It created a prison where it felt like chains held me captive. To be honest I could not describe here where shame took me, it is just that, shameful. Only God's unconditional love and forgiveness have carried me through my life. It takes a long time to move a mountain and the mountain of shame I felt was there for too long.

"The Cross is God's Shame-Bearing Symbol." More and more I see what Jesus did on the Cross when He gave His life for me, taking on the shame I would endure and also the shame I let myself be part of.

On this Thanksgiving Weekend, here in Canada, I thank God for his unfailing love for me and for Jesus' work on the Cross. God is real, Jesus Christ is real, He touched me as a preteen and though I have failed horribly He is still my Father and I am still His child.

Dynamite - Taio Cruz - A Cappella Cover - Just Voice and Mouth - Mike To...

2010-10-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

Mike Tompkins has used his amazing talent to create something quite unique. Today on Ellen he said he comes from a very musical family and that is what has inspired him, and it shows. I appreciate different musical styles and this really caught my attention.

IDOLS

2010-10-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

The illustration below of the "Golden Calf" is taken from Exodus 32 where the people of Israel got impatient with the fact that Moses had been gone so long and so decided to create something to worship. They took all the gold they were wearing and took it to Aaron and they made it into the shape of a calf. Of course when Moses came down from the mountain where he had received the Ten Commandments he saw the goings on and threw the tablets down and broke them. The First Commandment which God had given Moses was, "Thou Shalt have no other gods before me."

In church this morning the message was titled, "othergods" and the Pastor spoke about idols we may have in our lives. The ten he cited were: Money, Success, Attractiveness, Family, Pleasure, Spiritual Maturity, Work, Romantic Love, Power (Influence, Authority) and the last one he left us to put down our own word. The fifth one stood out the most for me and I had to admit to myself that Pleasure had certainly been an idol in my life. Pleasure for me included self-gratification and it certainly robbed me of the best, as idols can. I gave this idol "way too much attention." Some things are hard to face and giving this the title of an idol, though hard to do, is what is was.

God chose to make the people of Israel wait but they grew impatient and started to worship an idol of their own making. I know I have given up so often as I waited for things to change and for my prayers to be answered. God had a reason when He made the people of Israel wait, He knew they needed it, He knew their hearts. God has a reason for me having to wait as well because He knows there has been an idol in my heart that I needed to identify and deal with. Like those people I too grew impatient, over and over.

I am so blessed to have a God who loves me enough to show me my weaknesses and help me to want to give them to Him. It is a journey and I pray I will keep my eyes on God who knows me much better than I could ever know myself. He knows what I need. I am prone to think I know what I need but I certainly do not.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:1-3a

Sunday Solitude

2010-09-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

Solitude in the dictionary is described as 1 : the quality or state of being alone or remote from society 2 : a lonely place.

It is cloudy and cold outside here today and the leaves are quickly changing and falling equally as fast to the ground. I have cut all my plants back outside and brought two in I decided to keep. I feel in that lonely place that the word solitude describes. Being alone with my thoughts, coupled with the dreariness outside, got me thinking about just why I am often alone. One could say that I have chosen to be alone and in some ways that is true. Being by myself though has not been a situation that lent itself to motivation in accomplishing things I wanted to do. As soon as I leave my apartment and go to work or out to meet friends or am out in public the aloneness disappears and I don't even think about it much. When I am with people I find it easy to laugh and joke and no one would ever know this other side of me.

The other day I was reading a fellow bloggers post and in it he made a statement and I quote: "I was easy to leave behind." Those words resonated with me in that they were also my experience as well. As a baby of only 8 months old I was left at an adoption agency, one of the first occurrences where I was really alone. My dad hid behind the bottle a lot of the time so that didn't leave time for me and he wasn't the kind to spend quality time with me, so I was left to occupy myself as best I could and on the farm that meant being alone. My mother went away for a time when I was about 11 and coupled with not having anyone close to share with I was alone. I was easy to leave behind and unfortunately I became a guy who never got too close to anyone.

In every person I ever met and spent time with, in various intervals of months or years, I could walk away and not miss them much. I remembered good times with them and cherished those times but in retrospect I didn't let myself get too close. Some where along the line in my life I gave up hope that anyone, no matter who that might be, would just leave me behind so I didn't let myself love them. I see how much I have missed in becoming that kind of person. I didn't stop one day and make that conscious decision to not let myself get too close, it just became the easier option, perhaps even the safer one emotionally.

The other day a relative of mine, from my birth mother's side, phoned me and we had a great talk. After I hung up the phone I realized that I had did the same thing to him as I had done to everyone else, I had ignored him, I had not phoned him and kept in touch. I see that is probably why others I have known quite well have become distant. They didn't think that I cared. I have so often waited for the other person to phone or talk to me. Today I feel alone and know it is my fault. How did I let things in my life become this way? It wasn't safer, I have been losing out and I am ashamed of the way I have treated people.

Where do I go from here? How do I change things? I don't want to be that person any more. I want to love and I need help with that. God, help me to love.

TEARS - One of God's Ways of Saying "I Love You!"

2010-09-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

For a while I have wondered about tears and their function. I know my eyes tear up when I have a cold and when I sneeze. My eyes tear up when I read or hear something that tugs are my heart in an emotional way. I have cried tears over sins and failures as I ask God for forgiveness and for cleansing. Actually there are many things that I see as reasons for the production of tears. It is not unmanly to have tears or to get emotional and show it. I often try to hide any evidence that a tear may be in my eye but it is nothing to be ashamed of. I also think that if I hadn't been able to shed tears that the things I was going through at the time would have been harder to deal with. These tears came most often when I was alone.

Lately I have come to another conclusion regarding the function of tears in my experience. When I have felt tears coming it was a confirmation of God's love. It is one way that God is telling me, "Stan, I love you." I believe that many times in the past I have only saw tears as evidence that I was just being over emotional. I found I almost had the desire to have them stop; like the saying, "Get a grip!" Was I ashamed of tears? In some ways I guess I was. I am writing this because I want to acknowledge that God is Fathering me by telling me He loves me. God is also encouraging me by the Holy Spirit to embrace His love.

Some verses come to mind that speak of tears and then the truth that they will be turned into gladness, comfort and joy.

"They will come with weeping: they will pray as I bring them back. I will lead them beside streams of water on a level path where they will not stumble, because I am Israel's father....For the Lord will ransom Jacob and redeem them from the hand of those stronger than they....They will be like a well-watered garden, and they will sorrow no more....I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:9,11,12b,13b

I feel that it is God's love alone that can accomplish this in my life. I can't lean on others to be what He alone wants to do. Only He can meet all my needs, bring me back when I stray, lead me on that level path where I won't keep stumbling and rescue (redeem) me from that which has been too strong for me to resist. Today I need all that in serious amounts. I am trusting Him.

Reality Show Reunites Father and Son - ABC News

2010-09-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

Reality Show Reunites Father and Son - ABC News

This story touched me so deeply today as I watched it, over and over. What a precious reunion, and the man who did so much to facilitate such a precious result. Barry is such a blessed young man, as related to this story but also a beautiful singing voice and hope he continues to use it.

SCENIC SATURDAY

2010-09-04T20:14:00.001-07:00

Today I went to the Alberta Science Park here in Edmonton, Alberta to get a feeling of being in the country, away from the hustle and bustle, but yet not too much of a drive. It is a great place to jog, walk your dog, or like me to just explore possibilities for photo opp's.

I used downtown Edmonton as the backdrop for these first few pictures. The tall grass was so inviting to use as an excellent foreground area to focus on.

Walking around I continued to see scenic views of the area and again incorporate the field of grass. This one lent itself so well to get a wide angle view that also showed off the beautiful sky.

I climbed a hill and as I scanned the valley I followed this Sea Gull and caught a snapshot as it flew by.

These lovely yellow flowers caught my eye. Some of the stems shot up 3' high. I especially liked the contrast between the blooms and the ones that had died off and left the seed to get blown away by the wind. Nature reproducing itself.

I saw this Hawk perched on it's own platform high above the trees. Perfect place to scan the area. As I cautiously walked toward the place where it was I knew two eyes were also watching my approach.

This lone tree stood on top of a hill and I could not resist going up and getting a couple pictures that included this weather-worn bird house securely attached to its trunk. An empty house waiting for next Spring when life will again inhabit it's environs.

MAIL ART - Given & Received

2010-09-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

One of my first Mail Art envelopes I sent to a dear friend in Australia. He and his wife had just had a new baby girl, Zoe, and I was inspired to send them a card.
As I was searching via Blogger I found Alexander's blogs in which he has posted many of the Mail Art projects which he has received from various parts of the world. I was really delighted when he posted one I had sent him earlier this year.
I attempted, using colored pencil, to do this Mail Art for Alexander. The perspective is pretty good but in retrospect I think I should have started over with a new one. Nevertheless I did sent it, complete with return address, stamp.
A few weeks later I received his Mail Art right from St. Petersburg, Russia. I haven't gotten around to sending him another one as he asked but sure plan to do so.
As a result of Alexander posting my Mail Art on his Blog a man from Croatia got my address and sent me the above envelope which contained a Post Card (pictured below the envelope) on which he wrote a message with Greetings from Croatia.

I sent Josip a letter back thanking him for the Greetings. He had originally contacted me because he had never heard from anyone in Canada. I love all the stamps he has included on the envelope, gives a little glimpse into their unique country.
On the front of the Post Card he enclosed in the envelope he has drawn something which looks like some kind of head piece. Someday will have to check it out further.

I included his note in which he thanked me for writing back and ended with Best Wishes. Mail Art is something I would like to do more of, it is great to hear from people who live in our big world who I would otherwise never meet any other way.

Love Letter to Little Stan - A Repost

2010-09-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2009

Wistful Wednesday

Dear Little Stan,

Tonight as I looked at your picture when you were one, I saw the innocence in you. Your finger was almost in the Birthday cake. You were so fascinated with it.

At that point you had already experienced so much pain inside. It's not easy being sent from one place to another, from one person to another. It must have been hard to trust when unfamiliar faces kept appearing.

I'm writing to you because I want to. I want to go to you, that innocent little boy, take you in my arms, hold you, look you in the face and tell you "I love you, just the way you are." To promise you that no matter what happens I will never walk out on you, ever.

I'm crying now because I see how much I need the same thing as I want to give you. I want you to lay your head on my shoulder and in doing so I'll know that I'm needed to. I know you'd do that because inside you have so much love to give.

I need you and you need me. Together we'll remember. It'll be hard and we'll cry together, but together we'll just hold on to each other and we'll survive. After it's all over we'll smile, we'll laugh as we've never laughed before. We'll be free of the awful pain we've felt. We'll be able to love and never be worried again that that love will be taken and abused.

We'll go bike riding together, you and I. I love you.

Love,

Big Stan

Note: Wistful means '"full of yearning, longing (sad & thoughtful), desire (tinged with melancholy)"

I wrote this about 16 years ago. It was a deep yearning because I wanted to do just what the letter says, hold that little innocent kid that was me and make everything okay. As an adult now I knew what he would face later and I wanted to let him know by my words and actions that he was loved, that he would be okay.

This evening as I wrote this letter here on my blog, things, feelings, memories, desires, longings, all came flooding back. Words right now can not express how meaningful this letter is. It is full of pain but also hope that that same pain can be dispelled by love, that love I can not describe at this moment but know that it is real. A God thing to be sure, it comes from a good place.

Sept.2/2010 Today I read a comment on Thom' Hunter's blog where a lady mentioned how important it is to write a letter like this. She even suggested using a spiral notebook and in it writing "Love Letters to Little Stan," to encourage myself when I am reminded of things from the past that in any way bring pain.

Bitter or Better, that is the question!?

2010-08-31T20:15:00.000-07:00

I am just now reading a book titled, "Father Fiction" by Donald Miller. "He tells the story of growing up without a father and openly talks about the issues that befall the fatherless generation."

Today as I was reading in Chapter 14 about Self-Pity I got a twinge inside that I often fall into that very mode of looking at things. I never looked at it that way before. My aim was just to face the things that had affected me negatively and use those discoveries to move on. However, in many ways I now classify them as self-pity. This blog seemed like the place to just be myself and talk about these things but I now see that anyone reading what I have written would get a different feeling. I had to ask myself, "Would anyone really want to hear a guy going on and on talking about the negatives in his life?" On the other hand, what I was reading today also helped me realize that I can now move on.

In his book Donald cites the story of another guy whose name is Josh who said, "You either get bitter or you get better." He goes on to say, "You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate; it belongs to you."

"There will always be a reason to feel sorry for ourselves. And sometimes it really is appropriate to grieve something terrible that has happened in our lives. But we also have to move on; we have to set ourselves free from the trap of self-pity."

The following is a WOW statement he made and it caught my attention. "People who wallow in self-pity never grow strong in character."

Today I made the decision that I have to move on. Sitting feeling sorry for myself has never worked, it just keeps me stuck back there somewhere. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't have to look down (as the guy in the above picture), just face every day knowing that I am a better person for making this decision to get rid of all self-pity.

TAKING A LOOK AT LOVE, AFFIRMATION, INTIMACY...

2010-08-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

It's difficult, even excruciatingly painful, to come to the realization that something you have lived for, leaned on and depended on, for what seems like forever, falls apart under close scrutiny.

Taking a deep penetrating look at my life the last while has revealed to me that there were many issues that I had to face. Some of these details I uncovered through journaling and through blogging. One by one they showed me that experiences in my life had affected me a lot on an emotional level. I had internalized each one. They came in the form of loneliness, need for affirmation, insecurity, fitting in, family, connecting, home, rejection, singleness, intimacy, same-sex attraction, lack of productivity.

Lord Jesus, help me when I feel I have missed out on the best that life offers. Enable me to see past my failings and shortsightedness. Help me see that You have led me to this place where it is Your best I live for and that will bring satisfaction. Help me lean on You, not on people or things, that do fail and disappoint at times. Show me the way to depend and wait on You for the answers and direction I need. Forgive me for trying to fill the sense of loneliness and need for intimacy by chasing something that never could have ever guaranteed fulfillment.

Someone said to me once that they could see pain in my eyes. I have never forgotten his words. As I ponder that statement I recognize how I have let that pain keep me from moving forward. In some respects I got stuck emotionally at the point that that very pain occurred in my life. Example: 1) I was put up for adoption as a baby. My mother left and I didn't see her again. Love and security were gone. I have searched for that ever since. 2) I didn't have a father figure who affirmed me or made me feel a part of his life. I have went to great lengths to try and fill the place he should have filled.

God, my Father, I give You this pain that I have kept inside and that I have let distract me from drawing close to You. I have also given in to the thought that good things are for someone else and yet You have supplied the things I really need. I looked to man to fill my need for affirmation and intimacy when You alone tell me I am precious in Your sight and can trust You. I know Your love is unfailing, no human can beat that. Forgive me for my sin of putting others before You. Help me love as You have loved me.

I have often wondered why many displays of affirmation, or potential ones, that I did receive were somehow eventually taken away. The question in my mind was one concerning love. I had been looking for love but didn't have the foggiest idea what it was I was looking for or what it would look like. I thought I saw it in others, like displays of affection, but in my mind it was only a concept. I didn't get a glimpse of it at home, it was something that was reliant it seemed on how the other person felt at the time and could change with the snap of a finger. At least that is what I figured love was.

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:9-12

I find that when I tell someone that I love them it is because I see in them a genuineness, an openness concerning the things they are going through. I see them growing and having a desire to share in the hope of helping someone else. I see them as people who out of their heart convey a sense of caring, not for selfish gain, but just simply to be there. I guess you could say I see God in them. They're not perfect but are on the same journey I am. Of course, I am to love those who don't return that love, that is what Jesus did. I have a long way to go but I am learning to love and to accept love from others. It can be safe to love.

A blog I was introduced to a couple days ago by a friend is what inspired me to write this post. The lady who writes in her blog said something which made an indelible impression on my heart - "Only God can speak worth into you in such a way that it finally begins to fill that aching fear and insecurity."

BLOG - REFERRED TO IN LAST PARAGRAPH

What's Happening When_______? Post #2. Homosexuality and Christian Hypocrisy.m4v

2010-08-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

This video presents the issue of how so many Christian's take such extreme issue with anything that has to do with homosexuality. The speaker cites how Jesus approached people with compassion, love and grace. Jesus' own attitude was so different than so much of what we hear today. I like what he mentions about Billy Graham in the video when Billy says' "It is the Holy Spirit's job to convict, God's job to judge and my job to love." Where is love when someone is judging another?

What's Happening When_________?

2010-08-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

This morning at breakfast the topic of tattoo's came up in the conversation. I noticed the two guys sitting across from us and one had a tattoo of a kiss on his neck. I made the comment as to wondering if it was a real tattoo or not. The man had quite a few tattoo's on his arms and neck. The reason I am talking about this is because someone at my table made the comment that all tattoo's have a pagan basis. When I shook my head about that (disagreeing) I got the comment back that "that is the way I feel."

"What's Happening When" people come to the conclusion that every tattoo is somehow connected to being a heathen. What's happening when someone finds fault with another they see who is different and they just have to make a point about it and that point is always critical in nature. It bothers me when I hear a friend talking like this because it reveals an attitude that is very judgmental. It also makes me shy away from ever sharing any deep struggle I have gone through or am having at the present time. It makes me realize that I have one less friend who I could confide in. I don't believe it should be that way, we are Christian's and should be able to talk openly without fear of conditional love or of being judged as "not measuring up" to another's standard of conduct.

To have struggled deeply with something (SSA) that at times causes deep distress it would be so beneficial to have a face to face, heart to heart talk, with a friend who I knew wouldn't react with "righteous" furor. Today made me realize that I could not in any way approach my friend and share a heartache I have. That is why I am questioning today. That is also why I am resolved to love unconditionally, when tempted to even have a judgmental attitude about someone to reject it as completely wrong. In the past I have shared with a couple Pastor's and they in turn did not look at me in horror but lovingly embraced me and encouraged me in my journey to wholeness. That has not always been the reaction and I know from the story of others that many have felt so rejected by the reaction from a friend or parent.

Recently I saw a little cartoon which said, "I've got nothing against God...It's His Fan Club I can't stand!" I see that as a bit harsh about God's children but in reality, and maybe that is because I am especially sensitive about judgmental comments, there is a tendency to act like they never had a problem. That comes across and gives the impression that they are out of reach and too holy to approach and share with. Then there is also times when I am around friend's and when I try to steer the conversation to a spiritual subject they go back immediately to talking about others, the weather, a TV show, etc. Maybe it is just my circle of friend's, but I yearn for one who I can just sit down and talk about real life, the things that make us tick, things that encourage each other. To connect on a level that builds a person up and leaves that person with added courage to love, to be a godly influence in this world of negativity and hurry-hurry.

"What's Happening When......?" I would much rather it be that I learn, not from the negative things others do, but from the positive, unconditional love, non-judgmental way others in my Christian sphere of influence act. I am working on being on the positive side, God my Father, is my influence of positivity. "Those who hope in Me will not be disappointed," Isaiah 49:23b "The Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him." Psalm 32:10 "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what the Lord requires of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

Mail Artistry @ Dean Grey

2010-08-20T17:15:00.000-07:00

Thank you Dean for this amazing work of art and creativity I received in the mail yesterday. I just had to share it here because it represents the person that you are, thoughtful, genuine, caring and a true person of worth. The words you included on the heart convey the fact that you DO have strength, love and kindness to share. You do "open" your heart in such a real way. I wish hope, faith and joy to be yours.

In the blog which Aaron so lovingly created we each contributed something to show how much we really care for you. Now you have in turn made me, and the others, feel so proud just to know you. I display your card here because I want others to get a glimpse of the friend I know as Dean.
Thank you, Dean!

HOLD ME, I'M FALLING APART

2010-08-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

This morning I read a note that a FB friend had written and before I got to the end of it I was convulsing with tears. His dad had passed away and he was remembering a time when the ice had been broken between him and his dad and that he had buried his head in his fathers shoulder. He had got to be there for his dad the last few months of his fathers life and had given and received much love.

I reacted with tears as I read his note. It was because I never ever got close enough to my dad for a hug, let alone a smile saying he was proud of me. Often when I have been in church I see rows in front of me a father and son sitting together and there is an obvious bond there. Trying to get past some of these things I feel has been a journey of ups and downs.

I bought a book yesterday which caught my attention. It is titled, "Tell Me Why, Mummy", and was written by David Thomas. One line touched something in me as I read. "She tries various different way of coaxing and pressurizing me. One method is emotional blackmail. 'You'd do it if you loved me'." My own mothers words were almost identical to me one time - "If you love me you would____".

Talking about these issues is the hardest thing I have ever faced. I know I have avoided the reality of it and have done everything to push it away. Before my mother passed away I had come to visit her in the hospital. I stayed in her apartment and one evening I got looking in an old filing cabinet and found a couple letters I as a kid had written to my dad while he was in the hospital. He never came home again but my mother had kept the letters. They seemed so long ago and were a reminder of my reaching out with no response in return.

In that same room with the cabinet I caught sight of something that hit me right in the stomach, emotionally. It was a Doll that my mother had bought for herself. I knew right away what name would be on the tag and I wasn't wrong. It was my name. I was so sick inside that all I think of doing at that moment was stuffing that doll in garbage bags (I see now my first instinct was to use those bags because to me that doll was something that was not good). I stuffed it all in a drawer in the filing cabinet out of sight. Weeks later my mother passed away and the first thing I did when I entered the apartment was to grab it and throw it down the garbage shoot. That Cabbage Patch Doll (even describing it makes me cringe) held a significance and it was as I see it now attached to those words, "If you love me you would___". In some ways I was held captive in that doll.

God, my Father, I can't deal with this alone any more. I have no way to tell anyone this, I know they would have a hard time believing it. I am not so sure I could even describe it. I just need You to touch the hurt and pain in my heart. I know I have been running from all this for so long, please forgive me for running, for medicating myself, for withdrawing from You and not allowing myself to get close. I know you see my tears, You know my hurt, You are here right now. You have never left me and never will, I hold on to You. Holding, holding, holding......

Rocky Mountain Getaway

2010-08-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

A trip to the Rocky Mountains is something that often hits in the summertime when I know I have a few days holiday coming. Last Friday I got my stuff together and headed West to see those same Mountains and enjoy their majesty and the beautiful surroundings they afford. I was not disappointed.
I arrived at the Castle Mountain Chalet and got a delightful Rustic Cottage for the night. The Chalet was located adjacent to Castle Mountain (pictured above) and is West of the cities of Banff and Canmore, Alberta. The room had everything anyone would need to cook a meal, enjoy a shower and sleep in comfort, mountain air a plus.
I brought my things in from the truck, got a bit organized and then flopped down for a couple winks. This was short lived as there were just too many things to see and do and explore and photograph, need I say more, can't waste time while the sun is shining! Near the Cottage they even had a place that contained a Gym and Hot Tub.
On Saturday morning after a refreshing sleep, and a few cups of coffee, I gathered up my belongings. Just as I was to drive out of the Chalet entrance I noticed this bridge on a road going the opposite direction I was headed. I took a bit of a detour and noticed something unique on the top railing of the bridge so turned into the parking lot by the river, grabbed my camera and started shooting pictures.
Sitting in this huge nest were three young Hawks. The traffic and people walking about looking and taking pictures did not seem to bother them any at all. A mature one flew in real fast and was gone again so fast I couldn't get a picture, probably the mother with food.
In this picture I got the impression I was being watched. What an opportunity for some close-up photos.
I travelled back East for a few kilometers to Johnson's Canyon. A friend had visited this spot a couple weeks ago and from what he said and the pictures he had taken I knew I just had to go there. I was not disappointed. It was a long and winding trail up the canyon but the walk was so filled with amazing chances to take those photos I wanted to get. It was also an opportunity to use some more of the features on my camera, thus the blurred images of the flowing water in some of the shots.
The erosion of the rocks made it so the water took many twists and turns as it cascaded down stream. There were so many things that caught my eye as I composed each picture.
This was the highest waterfall and it was at the point that I stopped and after getting more angles I started on my way back down. Hard to imagine how long it has taken for the water to wear away the rock to get to this depth. The color of the water was so amazing.
No trip is complete without looking at the flowery discoveries that laden the ground with such color, delicateness, and intricate detail, leaving one in complete awe of the beauty and variety in nature.
Sunsets always signify the going down of the sun and the ending of another day. My time spent on this holiday was simply delightful. A lot of driving, smiling (and yes, sometimes feelings of "WHAT") at times at the antics of fellow road travelers, mosquito's that are bent on drawing blood, other bugs that go "splat" and cover the windshield with messy colors that one has to almost scrape off, but generally just gratitude that it was time very well spent.
The moon is rising now, night is falling on another day, it has been good. Life is good, friends are good, God is good and I am glad He is watching over my coming and going.

Undeserving of Such Love

For The Heartbreak - Official Lyric Video - Downhere

"What benefit...?"

Personal Pain - "I can see it in your eyes."

Hold My Heart - Tenth Avenue North

My "Somebody To Love" audition

December photo contest: pick of the day - Your Community

Why It's OK To Be Depressed At Christmastime

Chris Rene "Where Do We Go From Here" Final 5 X Factor USA Dec 07, 2011

Whats goin on..

Struggling.......

Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (Cover)

"Forgive my hidden faults.....

MEMORIES - Debunking the "Good Old Days!"

"don't you love me?"

A Love Letter To My Unborn Child

Father's/Dad's, Who are they?

Thirsty Thursday

Psalm 63: My Soul Is Thirsting/As Morning Breaks

by Steve Angrisano

Refrain:My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord,

thirsting for you, my God,

thirsting for you, my God.

Undeserving of Such Love

Why did he do it? Why me? I didn't deserve it! He robbed me.

MISSING A FRIEND

Dealing With The Past

I'm with HIM!

God's Chisel

PSATURDAY (Saturday Psalm)

"A BROKEN SPIRIT"

DAD'S - Bless Your Children

Mason's Rite of Passage

Every SINGLE Tear!

Jesus Christ Saved Me from 27 Years of Homosexuality | David Upton | I'll Be Honest | illbehonest.com

Letter To A Brother

"Shame On You!"

When a Man You Love Was Abused by Cecil Murphey

Kevin Richardson - Kevin's (Untitled) Solo (A Night Out With The Backstr...

A "BOOSTING" EXPERIENCE

Merry Christmas to You!

O Holy Night: Norm Hastings, Piano (w tracks)

A Peace Too Costly

WORSHIP THE KING

North Point's iBand

YOU'RE MY STRENGTH

Glee - Somebody To Love (lyrics)

CHANGE TAKES TIME

COPING TO HEALING - My Way vs God's Way

STEP BY STEP - Where I Was I No Longer Need To Be

Never Give Up On Me (Lyrics)

Sunshine Illuminating Fall Scenes & Structures

Thank You

SHAME - A Force That Threatened To Destroy My Life

Group Therapy on Reducing Shame

Dynamite - Taio Cruz - A Cappella Cover - Just Voice and Mouth - Mike To...

IDOLS

Sunday Solitude

TEARS - One of God's Ways of Saying "I Love You!"

Reality Show Reunites Father and Son - ABC News

SCENIC SATURDAY

MAIL ART - Given & Received

Love Letter to Little Stan - A Repost

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2009

Wistful Wednesday

Bitter or Better, that is the question!?

TAKING A LOOK AT LOVE, AFFIRMATION, INTIMACY...

What's Happening When_______? Post #2. Homosexuality and Christian Hypocrisy.m4v

What's Happening When_________?

Mail Artistry @ Dean Grey

HOLD ME, I'M FALLING APART

Rocky Mountain Getaway

Refrain:
My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord,