Struggling.......

"Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him.  On reaching the place, he said to them, 'Pray that you will not fall into temptation.'  He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.'  An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.  And being in anguish, he prayed earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.


"When he rose from prayer and went back to his disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. 'Why are you sleeping?' he asked them.  'Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."
Luke 22:39-46


This last week has been the hardest week I have ever been through, perhaps in my entire life.  I have mentioned before that I have struggled deeply with same-sex-attraction.  Every day my mind was filled with sexual thoughts, desires and temptations to act out.  It went even as far as me taking time to search out someone to act out with.  The guy I contacted was eager to meet but it ended up that he couldn't until tomorrow.  All through this I had that shaky feeling inside that I should not go through with any meeting.  I know it was the Lord, via the Holy Spirit, who was giving me this apprehension, that signal, that all this was not right and that I had to make a decision.  


I found out and had to admit that I had often left the door open in case I met the 'right' person.  I felt a heavy and almost ever-present need to be touched, to be validated by another man, to feel I meant something to him.  When those and other desires came into my mind and initiated bodily responses I found it hard to resist.  At those times all logic seem to go out the window and I would be making plans to act out.  It didn't take long until I saw the folly of the things I did to make myself feel better.  Then I would ask God forgiveness and as I see it now, almost a half-hearted determination to not let it happen again. I had left the door open and everything came back sooner or later.  I confess that this was a pattern in my life.  Today there came a point when I saw that I had to break off any connection I had with the guy I talked about in the last paragraph.  I did so and felt good for a few minutes.


What had I done?  I had made a decision, now I knew God was in that decision and I had to stick with that decision no matter what.  That was easy to say at the moment but God knew better.  I felt in that next hour or so like my mind was gonna explode, like every pressure that could ever come against me had added more anxiety than I could handle.  I prayed and prayed and wondered, "will this be just like the other times and sooner or later all the old stuff will come back?!"  


Last Saturday I had a session (#2) with a Christian Psychologist.  After talking to him I realized that the Lord had led me in the decision to do so.  We went through pre-natal issues, childhood issues, issues with my parents, issues that affected me concerning my ancestor's, anger that I felt toward myself and many other things. As he talked he also stopped and prayed concerning what we had just talked about and then waited for prompting from the Lord as how to proceed (gift of discernment).  He ended the session by saying I should wait for three weeks before coming back and to be aware of what God was doing in those weeks so we could talk about it.


Thinking about how I felt today and the enormous struggle I went through to get to this very moment, I am very aware that this has been a God orchestrated change he wanted to do in my life.  


I got a little glimpse of what it must have been for Jesus when he knelt there on the Mount of Olives.  His "sweat was like drops of blood..."  He went through so much anguish that an angel came to strengthen him.  Jesus Christ went through all this, all the way to the Cross, shedding his blood and dying for my sin.  Jesus Christ was serious when he did all this and it was all done, in love, for me.  


Only God can take my prayer, my life, and heal me from the inside out.  I believe in God, I believe in Jesus Christ, that His shed blood can cleanse me and make me whole.  His power is able to do abundantly about what I would ever ask or think.